Don’t ambush mom in the bathroom, and other rules
This Mother’s Day, make like Steve Harvey’s staff and follow these straightforward guidelines
If I were to guess, 90 per cent of Steve Harvey’s press clippings can be filed in a folder called, “Stories That Make Fun of Me.” This is not one of those stories. This is a Mother’s Day story. Let me explain. As I type these words, the media is once again treating Harvey’s giant mustachioed head like a pinata, whacking away as they did when he called out the wrong winner at Miss Universe or held a bizarre summit with Donald Trump or cracked jokes about how women don’t find Asian men attractive.
The new scandal is a memo Harvey sent to his talk-show staff a few months ago. The memo, a list of “notes and rules,” was recently leaked. It left the distinct impression Harvey is — what’s the word I’m looking for? — cuckoo.
A sampling of his grievances and demands:
1. “Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me.”
2. “I want all the ambushing to stop now.”
3. “Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.”
On Thursday, after Harvey was ambushed by the blowback, he refused to apologize.
As he explained to Entertainment Tonight: “I was trying to find out ways that I could just get more me time, time for me.”
That’s when it hit me: this guy isn’t a tyrant with the social skills of a scorpion. HE IS EVERY MOTHER I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Instead of mocking him, we should be celebrating his honesty. Mothers should beg him to write a strongly worded memo on their behalf, one that could be leaked to families everywhere.
It could be called Steve Harvey’s Notes and Rules For Mother’s Day:
1. Do not wait in any hallway to speak to us if this involves a fight with your siblings.
2. While undercooked eggs scrambled with leftover spaghetti and jujubes still qualifies as “breakfast in bed,” do not give us salmonella, listeria, E. coli or any food-borne illness on Sunday.
3. We want all the talking back to stop now.
4. Do not open the bathroom door when we are trying to pee for the first time in seven hours unless it’s an emergency. “Mom, he stole one of my Skittles!” is not an emergency.
5. Unless specifically requested, do not buy us a frying pan, apron, novelty mug or gift certificate to any restaurant that keeps a jar of crayons at the front desk.
6. If you stumble upon us wandering the garden while sipping rosé out of the novelty mug from last year, please slowly back away in silence.
7. Do not call to say, “Happy Mother’s Day” if you “gotta run” two minutes later.
8. Please tell your fathers their planned Die Hard marathon is a bad idea and may result in blunt force trauma to their heads with the frying pan from two years ago.
9. Flowers are wonderful and chocolates are great. But shake those piggy banks a little harder because a Girls Weekend in Vegas is best.
10. Do not tell us, “But I’m not tired yet!” We are tired. Go to bed already! 11. When we gave birth, you were a human. Now you are a hurricane. When will you stop destroying this house?
12. Thank you for saying “please” and “thank you.” Now please stop asking, “Why can’t I?” YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I SAID SO. Thank you. 13. Do not ask if we can cancel our book club this Monday because you forgot all about your science project that’s due on Tuesday. Also, what the hell do we know about building a functioning volcano? 14. Stop ambushing us with your prom-dress wishes. 15. While we love you more than life itself, we are still trying to sort out our feelings over your decision to move back home until the realestate market cools down.
16. Do not “borrow” our lipsticks to draw hockey goal creases on the driveway.
17. Yes, we will try to buy tickets if Harry Styles comes to town. Yes, we will chaperone you and your friend. Yes, we will continue to have grave doubts about the universe and the meaning of life. 18. Do we ever open the hamper and say, “There’s nothing to wash”? So do not open the fridge and say, “There’s nothing to eat.”
19. “My phone died” is not a valid reason for breaking curfew by four hours and coming home smelling like the inside of a Jack Daniels bottle. Please tell that to your father when he wakes up.
20. Do not ask for an advance on your allowance because the mug cost $29.99. IF YOU OPEN OUR PURSES, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED. vmenon@thestar.ca
Do not open the bathroom door when we are trying to pee for the first time in seven hours unless it’s an actual emergency