OFF THE RACK

US

Cover: Taylor Swift hasn’t posted a picture of herself on Instagram since February and she hasn’t been seen in public since January. That sinking feeling in our hearts can mean but one thing: we’re all dying! Fear not, she must return to the self-promotional grind now that she’s about to start work on new music; in fact, US says she’s “experimenting” with dazzlingly new sounds — “everything from pop to hip-hop to rock.” You’re a regular John Cage, Tay-Tay. Ick pic? Twenty or so article-free pages of photos make this issue a fine reading choice for the near-illiterate, until they see that one of those photos is Naya Rivera from Glee canoodling with 52-year-old David Spade. Time to give Middlemarch another try.

OK!

Cover: Words on the cover notwithstanding, no one in the story quite says that Britney and her model boyfriend Sam Asghari actually got married in Hawaii. But everyone thinks the fella is a stabilizing force for the winsome wacko, with one pal saying “He’s not too clever, like her last guy, and not too ambitious.” Don’t misunderstand — in her circle this is praise. Mission improbable: Tom Cruise is apparently madly in love with, of all people, his Mission Impossible 6 costar. Exactly the person the studio would want him to be seen with! In this crazy world, what are the odds? Youthful image: A seven-page feature of stars’ old family photos proves what they all say: when stars were much younger, they looked exactly like children.

STAR

Cover: Brangelina and Bennifer are long split, but for now we still have Milton — Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. But they’re under strain regarding everything from fears about cheating to changing diapers — according to one pal, “Ashton says he isn’t good at it, but that’s a copout.” Speaking for all men, I say oh, crap, you’re on to that one? No deal: Khloe Kardashian told an interviewer she’d accept a proposal from Toronto’s Tristan Thompson, to whom free agency is reportedly looking better and better.