‘The way I live my life’
A blunt conversation with restaurateur Jen Agg about her new memoir, her reputation and feminism
There are many sides to Jen Agg.
That may seem obvious, a truism — we all have many sides — but not everyone is subjected to the same level of scrutiny, often leading to caricature, as the Toronto restaurateur and owner of The Black Hoof, Cocktail Bar, Rhum Corner, Grey Gardens and Montreal’s Agrikol.
Media profiles and reviews usually include some reference, sly or otherwise, to Agg’s unapologetically blunt manner. The references can be unkind. An April review of the recentlyopened Grey Gardens in Kensington Market called her a “meanie” while praising her male partner and the restaurant’s chef, Mitch Bates.
Most describe her as “outspoken,” especially when it comes to feminism. Nearly all dredge up years-old tweets as some confirmation of her reputation.
But Agg’s new memoir, I Hear She’s A
Real Bitch, released Tuesday by Penguin Random House, reveals facets of her personality that draw far less attention.
It’s part coming-of-age tale (her upbringing in Scarborough, her “starter” first husband), part tell-all (the acrimonious split with former partner at The Black Hoof, Grant van Gameren), part love letter to her keeper husband (artist Roland Jean, to whom the book is dedicated), part guide to building an empire (be obsessed with every detail, from service to lighting) and part feminist mission statement (calling out patriarchy and misogyny anywhere she sees it) — all told in the voice familiar to her 13,600 Twitter followers: chatty, funny and sometimes all-caps shouty.
The Star spoke to Agg at Grey Gardens ahead of her book’s release.
Why do you think people care? Why does your personality or reputation matter to people?
If you’re going to be somebody who is a direct person, or as people like to call me, ‘outspoken,’ you can get away with it if you’re a man. It’s fine, it’s no problem. The moment you try to do that and have a vagina at the same time, that’s when people start to care. I really, truly believe that.
What’s with the title?
It’s definitely tongue in cheek. If you don’t think it’s a little bit funny, you shouldn’t read the book. My agent wants to slap me for saying things like don’t read the book! It’s meant to reference the idea that, when we as women have certain characteristics that are traditionally seen in male leadership — which is silly — instead of being seen as great leaders, we’re seen as bitches. It’s not a new concept. It’s been written about for a long time. That’s really what it’s a wink and a nod to.
Is it also about your reputation, people talking about you?
That’s definitely a thing and I’m aware of it. This is a very small community. I think people feel (a certain) way about me if they don’t know me. It’s very onedimensional. I’ve had people who met me, who are surprised that I’m funny and charismatic and engaged in the conversation. Not a bitch.
When you set out, did you have a particular narrative in mind, or did you just start writing?
I knew what kind of book I wanted to write. I’m not sure Penguin Random House did, because I started out on their Appetite (imprint) but they moved me to Doubleday, when they realized it wasn’t a food book. I just wanted to write about my life and stories from my life that can be pushed through the lens of the story I’m trying to tell. They’re all true stories, but it’s curated as well. They all lead back to what it’s like to be a woman in the world, and in the world of restaurants.
It’s very personal, but also political.
Everything is political.
There’s also a little bit of setting the record straight, about the split with Grant van Gameren, which has not really been talked about publicly.
The truth is, when he spoke about it publicly for the first time, it wasn’t true. Toronto Life kept reprinting his version of it (that van Gameren wanted to leave the partnership). I asked him to leave, I asked to buy him out. That’s what happened. It was an annoyance to me. But I hope the rest of the book is strong enough for people to realize that’s not what the book is about.
I really had no choice but to include it, especially for a Canadian market. And it was an important part of the story, for me. Finding my voice, and finding the freedom to not feel oppressed by a business partner who doesn’t see the world the same way I do.
Do you think the level of personal detail you include will surprise people? Did it surprise you?
No! I’m a truth-teller. I’ve told that story about getting caught with my mom’s “personal massager” a million times to my friends. Some of the details will surprise people. I didn’t include them for the shock value, though I’m sure that’s something I will be accused of. Women writers are accused of that kind of thing, navel-gazing or whatever.
Especially when it comes to their bodies, or sex . . .
This is something so important to me. Sex should be normalized in our culture, and that’s why I included all that detail, to be honest. I’ve always felt comfortable with sex. Why shouldn’t I? Sex is awesome. If you think it’s too much information, maybe the problem is you.
If I put a skirt on and I ask Roland, ‘Is this too slutty?’ he’ll say, ‘That’s the other guy’s problem. That’s not your problem, honey.’ I think that’s absolutely right.
When it comes to some of the details about your marriage, did you have to check with him first?
Of course. I love my husband very much. No one has asked me this question and it’s a beautiful story. I was in Ghent, New York, at a good friend’s house, where I spent a lot of time writing. There are some very personal details about our marriage and our sex life. I had finished working on (that section). It was really happy with it. It felt so cathartic to write about it, this difficult thing to go through with someone I love so much. I called him and read it over the phone. I read the whole chapter, and I was really emotional and he was really emotional. He said, ‘Honey, that’s so beautiful.’ And I asked if he was comfortable with it. ‘Right now, we’re in a bubble and this book doesn’t exist in the world. But when it comes out, people are going to read this. Your children are going to read it.’
And he said, ‘It’s your story. I’m comfortable with anything you want to say.’ What more can you ask for? It’s part of why I love him so much and why our marriage has been able to survive some challenging things.
In the book, you often say, ‘my feminism.’ How would you describe it?
It’s existential, I would say. It’s experiential and existential. I think the way I live my life is feminism, full stop. I take up the space, I say the things.
Do you ever get tired of it? Having to say the things you say and be as public as you are? Do you ever want to just delete Twitter off your phone?
No, I love Twitter. I’d miss it. The truth is, if I didn’t like what I was doing, I wouldn’t do it. Recently, I was trying to explain the difference between being a public person and wanting privacy. It’s a hard thing to explain. It sounds like you’re complaining. It’s difficult when people come into my restaurants with preconceived notions of me. I find it extremely cheap and upsetting and frustrating. It’s difficult when people come up to my husband and say things like, ‘What’s it like being married to Jen Agg?’ Are you f---ing kidding? You’re trying to get my husband to sh-t-talk me? People sometimes see my husband as the nice guy, but no, he sees the world exactly the same way I do but he just has a different way of putting that forth.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with the book. It’s a different thing, too. But I’m pretty strong. I can take it.
You’re tough but there’s a lot of vulnerability in your story.
This is the thing. We contain multitudes. That’s been said by many people. I am not just my persona. Of course I’m a vulnerable person. Of course I have emotional connections with my husband and family and my friends. Do you think the people who have worked for me for seven or eight years would still work for me if I was a jackass? Of course I show my vulnerability.
When people don’t realize there’s more to me than ‘unf--- the world,’ that’s pretty naive.