The beauty of caring grandparents
My parents always tell me becoming a grandparent is their reward for parenting. I try not to take offence at this, because I know exactly what they mean.
When 9-year-old Ibrahim sighs for the 15th time over unfinished homework, or when 12-year-old Mustafa picks listlessly at the stir-fry vegetables and tofu I made for dinner, I get it.
Parenting is a trial I sometimes feel like I’m failing (and most of the time just flailing). But the one thing I’m always grateful for is having my parents and in-laws around to help, offer advice I never asked for (but often need) and generally provide a buffer. It’s why we bought a house a 10-minute drive away.
My kids see their grandparents every Saturday. They are dropped off in the afternoon, and my husband and I pick them up in the evening, after mooching dinner. Everyone looks forward to Saturday. My kids enjoy time with their grandparents and uncle. I enjoy a few hours to catch up on work or errands. Plus, delicious Hyderabadi food for dinner.
I’m not sure what my kids actually do at my parent’s house. I know sometimes they go out for lunch with my dad, or my brother might take them to the mall. Sometimes they play Legend of Zelda on the Nintendo Switch, or soccer in the backyard. I just know that they are having fun, and are safe and loved.
Teachers often talk about the importance of “caring adults” in the lives of students. A “caring adult” is anyone who plays a positive role in a child’s life, other than a parent or guardian. The caring adult could be a teacher, coach, custodian, religious leader, their regular barista or grandparents.
After dinner a few weeks ago, my dad suddenly said to me and my husband, “Mustafa is growing up. Make sure you’re gentle when you talk to him; boys can be so sensitive at this age.”
I’m assuming there was some sort of conversation that sparked this comment, the details of which are less important than the message: Nana (grandfather in Urdu) has my son’s back.
A June 2016 Macleans magazine article cites a 2010 Oxford University study that “showed a strong correlation between a grandparent’s involvement and a child’s well-being . . . Grandchildren who talked about future career plans with Grandma or Grandpa had lower incidences of emotional issues.”
I’m even more in awe because I know they did this whole parenting thing on their own, in a new country, far from help. Any grandparents in the picture were usually new immigrants themselves, unused to Canadian customs and way of life. So many of my second generation friends wonder the same thing: how did our parents do this whole parenting thing on their own?
After Mustafa was born, my mother-in-law served me breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for three months, just to make sure I ate properly while I got used to motherhood. My mother watched my kids when I returned to work.
My father has serious chats with my boys, checking in and listening sombrely to their grievances (such as, “mom won’t let me watch whatever I want on Netflix”) before offering sage advice (“when your mom was your age, we didn’t even have cable. Have a positive attitude and count your blessings.”)
I know the grandparent relationship is not always easy, as the Maclean’s article goes on to discuss. Many grandparents have no interest or ability to play a very active role in their grandchildren’s life, or are denied access for a variety of reasons.
But my kids have benefitted enormously from their relationship with their grandparents and, as they grow, they will have a chance to give back. Recently, after a March snowstorm, they shovelled my parents’ driveway when my father was out of town and my mother’s arthritis was acting up. They were paid in ice cream sandwiches, a fair exchange.
It is spring, a time of renewal and taking stock. The days are longer and my children are growing. I’m grateful to have watchful eyes, cheering hands and open hearts to help them find their way. To all the caring adults out there: the impact of your love is immeasurable. Uzma Jalaluddin is a high school teacher in the York Region. She writes about parenting and other life adventures. Reach her at ujalaluddin@outlook.com