> OFF THE RACK
OK!
Cover: Starting out on a happy note, Sandra Bullock is in a solid, loving relationship with a non-celebrity dude named Bryan. Let’s be happy for these crazy kids while we can, because as the other gossip rags point out, marrying a nobody isn’t always a smart move for American Sweethearts ™.
Show me the Johnny: Cuba Gooding Jr. and Johnny Depp are palling around Hollywood together after their very public breakups. If you’re an Almost Isn’t, is it smart to hang around with a Has Been?
Say it, Frenchy: Stars love French bulldogs according to two pages of adorable puppy pics. Me too. But just in case anybody from OK! reads this: I’m holding out for a pug feature.
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: You might think this is about how Julia Roberts’ hubby cheated, but the “secret affair that nearly destroyed her” was the one SHE had with her current hubby! Burn! Scandal! Fire emoji! I read every single word of this trash story and was enamoured with all the scathing details and file photos somebody dug up. Life & Style’s summer interns are earning their keep!
In Therapye: Kim and Kanye hit the counseling couch to better understand how to live with each other. Whatever their therapist makes, it cannot possibly be enough.
Reminder — you’re old: Remember all those cute celebrity babies from the late 90s? They’re practically adults and that’s depressing. Both because it means you’re no longer a fresh-faced young thing and because soon, they’ll be having babies. The ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife!
STAR
Cover: Star does everything but come right out and say that Julia Roberts has the big C. It follows her to the doctor’s office, details her family history with the disease and tobacco vice, speculates about her lack of upcoming work and even guesses at what she told her kids. Frankly, I’m shocked they didn’t reach the conclusion that she’s pregnant at 49.
Father’s Way: Star offers two pages devoted to Sean Penn publicly raging out on his model daughter’s slacker boyfriend. Yes please! Oh, but there are also photos of Robin Wright crying. No thank you!
Kidding around: Stars! They have embarrassing childhood pics just like us! Worth a glance are Justin Theroux in a turtle neck and braces and Kristen Bell in a wolfman costume. Tanis Fowler