Cut off parents’ cocktails? You’ve gotta be kidless
Arestaurant is the last place a parent should be judged.
First of all, long before the bread arrives, these hungry heroes are on tenterhooks. They don’t want any trouble. This is why they’re always glancing around the dining room with grimacing smiles and why every family meal excursion begins with the same parent-to-child warning: “You better behave yourself.”
This directive, delivered in a firm yet uneasy whisper before the eatery door is yanked open, is Step 1 in a dining plan designed to advance with military-style efficiency. Step 2: Sit. Step 3: Order. Step 4: Eat. Step 5: Pay. Step 6: Get the hell out.
Going to a restaurant with the kids can feel as risky as vacationing in a war zone. And at some point in the military plan, usually a few nanoseconds after Step 2, a parent will nod in the affirmative and experience a rush of relief when the server asks, “Can I bring you something from the bar?”
You can. You must. When dining with young children, an alcoholic beverage is not just the casual pickme-up it was before parenthood. It is now medicinal, a balm for the soul, a glass of courage to take the edge off when life is at its most frantic.
If anyone deserves to drink, it is the parent of a young child.
But at one New York restaurant, Peddlers Bar & Bistro, this liquid salvation is limited to one glass. Order a second and you will be kicked out and shamed into feeling like a looter that a chopper cam caught redhanded with Nikes.
In a policy that made international headlines and stirred debate this week on everything from The Viewto Donald Trump’s favourite TV show, Fox & Friends, the restaurant operates with a strict one-drink maximum for any parent who is driving.
Now, obviously, no sensible person is in favour of drinking and driving, with or without children. So while there is nothing wrong with the policy goal — death prevention — why does it also seem so needlessly judgmental?
Are all patrons quizzed on designated drivers or is it just parents? Why not just go full nanny state and force every adult to take a breathalyzer test after coffee and dessert instead of keeping tabs on the drink tab of hapless procreators who are already adept at nursing one glass of Caber- net Franc during meals that unfold at the relaxing pace of the Tour de France?
And if a parent feels safe and comfortable ordering one additional cocktail, should that grown-up be humiliated by a blanket policy? The need for an occasional tipple when dining out with the kids is so universal that in one episode of Caillou — a cartoon that could drive the Pope to get hammered — two glasses of red wine suddenly appear in front of the kid’s parents as he balks at eating spaghetti, climbs under the table, demands to go home and nearly trips a waiter during his first trip to a swish restaurant.
Dealing with all of this, Caillou’s parents don’t have time to sip their wine, let alone order a second glass. That’s the crazy part: parents are far less likely to drink irresponsibly at a restaurant because there is simply no time to be irresponsible once the cheque arrives.
Forget about driving. You know why you’ve never witnessed a mom or dad get dangerously sloshed while dining with their family? Because he or she can’t afford to be even tipsy if there’s any hope of conquering a daily To-Do List that includes showers, laundry, lunch prep, homework, recreational classes and bedtime.
The reasons we feel a blinding urge to drink are the same reasons we can’t. Believe me, there are times when I’m tempted to shake out a second martini. But if I can’t see straight, how am I supposed to read Skippyjon Jones aloud in a Spanish accent or assemble a Dream Castle that comes with indecipherable pictogram instructions?
So however noble the intent, I’m afraid a one-drink maximum on parents is ultimately an exercise in condescension. This is anti-happiness discrimination! If we parents survived toilet training and 254 screenings of Frozen, we can handle our booze. In fact, a one-drink maximum is even more insulting than the recent trend in which some restaurants have issued outright bans on small children because instead of mumbling, “You’re not wanted,” this one screams, “You’re not trusted.”
If a parent safely has time for a second drink, he or she should not be denied. That second drink may well prevent a future nervous breakdown. In the cauldron of child rearing, that second drink will have the cool and distinct taste of serenity.
What’s not cool is treating an adult like a child. vmenon@thestar.ca
Are all patrons quizzed on designated drivers? Why not just go full nanny state and force every adult to take a breathalyzer test after coffee and dessert?