Bride regrets insensitive remark
My husband and I got married last year. With a small budget, we invited only family and closest friends.
One couple replied “yes,” however, a few weeks before our wedding, there was a death in their family. Wedding day, the friend showed up alone, congratulated us, handed us a card, then said he was leaving. He said they couldn’t attend due to recent tragic events, but wanted to congratulate us and drop off a gift. I was surprised, as we’d received no further communication that they wouldn’t be attending. I said, “But you guys RSVP’ed!”
The friend later told my husband that I’d been insensitive. This caused a rift between my husband and me that has not healed. It was never my intention to hurt; we were both genuinely sad about their loss. But we could have invited another couple in their place.
I still feel awful and have apologized by email, but I’ve had no response. We haven’t seen the couple recently but they are incredibly kind people. I think about what happened almost daily. What are your thoughts?
I think you, your husband and your incredibly kind friends are all making mountains out of molehills.
Everybody makes, and made, mistakes.
Your friends were grieving. So it was thoughtful for one of them to drop by the wedding and bring a gift. But that doesn’t absolve them from letting you know, in advance, that they weren’t coming. A simple phone call or email was all that was required.
Everyone should know the financial, emotional and social strains that accompany a wedding; they should have been in touch if they weren’t planning to attend. Grief is no excuse for thoughtlessness.
Yes, you were rude. Not “Donald Trump” rude, not even “Prince Philip” rude — just a little bit rude. It would have been better to say “I understand, of course” — and sound off privately to your new husband.
But, for heaven’s sake, you were the bride! Having performed a couple of thousand weddings, I can testify that brides need a little slack on their wedding day. On my list of sins committed by brides, yours is close to the bottom.
As for your husband — well, what’s this nonsense about a rift?
He needs to stop acting like a precious puppy and grow up. Feel free to tell him I said so! It’s ridiculous to harbour resentment a year after such a trivial miscue.
And that’s the point. This is all incredibly trivial and everyone needs to suck it up. Invite your friends for dinner. No more email apologies; they aren’t worth the price of the postage.
After a bottle of wine, explain that you still feel badly about your comment, you’re sorry and, because their friendship means so much, you want to move on. Presumably, they will accept your gracious act and add their own words of regret.
If they refuse the invitation or the apology, you will know you’ve done your best. You’d need, then, to move on without them; they obviously aren’t as “incredibly kind” as you thought they were.
Stories like this are why my son and his blissfully unwed partner of many years frequently ask, “Why do people put themselves through wedding hell these days?”