You can keep ties with ex’s family
Bookstore shelves creak under the weight of selfhelp books devoted to healing after a divorce or a breakup. These books generally have two things in common: 1) They feature predominantly pink covers with broken heart graphics and 2) They focus on grieving the loss of an imagined future with your former romantic partner.
Were I to write a book on breakups, however, I’d probably call it, Your Friends Were Cool and I’m Really Going To Miss Your Mom.
We tend to focus exclusively on the loss of that one important person in the aftermath of a breakup. What is rarely discussed is the loving community we lose as part of the package. The warm and generous parents? Gone. That adorable niece you babysat and nurtured and watched grow into a real little person? Bye. The delightful and close-knit group of friends? See ya.
“Breakups suck for all of the expected reasons,” says Toronto psychotherapist Matt Cahill. “But if you were really close with the family (and friends), you’re losing that on top of your partner. It can actually be a pretty intense situation.”
Cahill says it’s important to acknowledge such losses. “Seeking a counsellor or therapist to explore (your feelings is important). The process of understanding that loss with someone who is there to listen to you can be a very effective way of moving through that grief.”
It is possible, however, to override the awkwardness of a romantic breakup and maintain bonds and connections to the family and friends of former romantic partners.
“It depends on the health of the relationship between the individual and the former family member,” Cahill says. “I’ve seen examples where it can be a very buffeting sort of relationship to help the individual through the (breakup) and onward. Sometimes that relationship goes on and has a life of its own.”
Charlotte Wolf, 40, met her former boyfriend 10 years ago. She was freshly grieving her mother, who she had lost only a few months prior.
“His family was a huge part of my life,” Wolf says. She became very close with her partner’s brother, her partner’s brother’s girlfriend (now his fiancée) and her partner’s mother.
“She took me in when I had lost my own,” Wolf says.
“She was very in tune with what was happening in our lives and was super understanding. I know I can call her at any time and she would be there for me to this day.”
Wolf remains in close touch with these family members — they were the ones to reach out to her after the breakup — and she’s even invited to the brother and fiancée’s wedding later this month.
“I am super grateful to have them in my life,” Wolf says.
Sharon Beauvais, 66, of Peterborough, has maintained a decades-long relationship with her former mother-in-law.
“I was always fairly close to my motherin-law while married,” she says. “When we separated, there were a few years of awkwardness.”
These days, every three weeks, Beauvais takes her former mother-in-law to the library to help her choose some audio books, since she is visually impaired and has always loved to read. Her former mother-in-law always insists on treating her to lunch afterwards. (Like many grandmas, her restaurant of choice is usually Swiss Chalet.)
“I love her dearly,” Beauvais says. “She has always been and will always be my mother-in-law. She has always been a wonderful grandma to my two adult kids. She worries about them all the time . . . almost as much as I do.”
Full disclosure: I know Beauvais. I dated her son in university. She was extremely kind and welcoming to me. Long after the breakup, I still thought of her.
She and I reconnected on social media a few years ago.
It’s been well over a decade since I’ve seen Beauvais in person, but every year, she and her daughter Kristi wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. I do the same.
It’s a small but nice way to remain connected to them both and to honour our shared history and convey our mutual fondness.