My gift to girl was instead given to her father

I wanted to do something special for a 13-year-old girl who just graduated from Grade 8. Because of family difficulties, she’s been living with an aunt, but will soon be returning to her father.

My intention was to give a gift card, but I couldn’t get to the store so instead put a $100 bill in a card with a nice message.

Today, I learned that the aunt opened the envelope and gave the money to the dad (he’s unemployed), not the child.

I am angry at this slyness. Do I have the right to ask that the child regulate the money?

Sure you have the right. But that money is gone; the kid is never gonna see a nickel. So there’s no point demanding something that can’t happen; that just makes her family mad and you even madder.

OK, so Pollyanna’s disciples will argue that the aunt was just ensuring that the kid didn’t “waste” the money on something “inappropriate.”

Or they’ll contend that the father will spend the money on his daughter anyway, and what’s wrong with that?

Well, you know what’s wrong, and so do I. That money was never theirs; they had no right to make those decisions. You were offering the girl a gift of autonomy — freedom to hit the malls with a few dollars in her pocket, freedom to pick out something she wanted. And that’s what her aunt, in collusion with daddy-o, has taken from her.

I originally used the word “stolen” in that last sentence, and perhaps that’s too strong. I suppose these two over-controlling adults could convince themselves that this much money was not in the girl’s best interest. But she’s 13, for heaven’s sake. So whether or not “stolen” is the right verb, they did take this independence away from her. That was wrong, and you have every right to be angry.

But all is not lost. School opens in two weeks, and I guarantee this kid is already planning her wardrobe for the first week of high school. First impressions, you know. And what she needs (yes, “NEEDS!!!!”) is a shopping trip. So instead of making an issue of the lost hundred bucks, arrange to blitz the malls for a day.

Start with lunch, wherever she chooses. Then give her a budget — a hundred dollars will do nicely. Let her choose which stores to hit; count on both Justice and Claire’s being among them.

Steel yourself; the Biebs will provide background music at 120 dB, and there’ll be about a thousand kids there already.

But let her pick out whatever she fancies. Don’t offer comments. Don’t make suggestions. If someone your age likes an outfit, it forces her to choose something else. You’re nice — but you’re old. And above all, let her have fun.

One more suggestion. Why not make these outings a twice-a-year treat for both of you? Once in the summer and once before Christmas. Maybe once in springtime, too. Forget about reasoning with her aunt or father.

This young woman, caught between over-controlling adults, needs someone like you in her life. Think of this as money spent not on jewelry and clothes, but on a respectful relationship. That’s what this girl really needs. Send questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca