STARGAZING Mariah gets carried away

This week: Former boy banders strike curious poses and celebs stare at the sun. All this plus nerf!

OK!

Cover: I think every tabloid must have three wheels they spin to come up with stories. One with names, one with life events, one with feelings. This week’s outcome: Jennifer Aniston/miracle baby at 48/joy. A rep denies this story, but don’t let that stop you from reading about “Why she’ll never hire a nanny.” (Hint: It’s because she’ll never have kids!)

Money shot: Ed Helms is worth $20,000,000. I would have written it as twenty million, but typing individual zeroes is motivation. If Ed Helms can do it, I can do it.

Lush life: Human party rock anthem and baby daddy to Kourtney Kardashian’s kids Scott Disick says Kourtney never said yes to marriage, though he proposed “all the time.” Why the no? “Probably because of all the drinking and partying.” Oh that.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Miranda is ready to let her music do the talking about how hurt she was by ex Blake Shelton. I guess there’s no accounting for taste, but did she ever consider writing a song called “I dodged a big ol’ bullet.”

Team Jolie: Somehow, this story about Angelina wanting a second shot with Brad escaped the cover. They claim she’s miserable and lonely without him. How can that be when she has a baseball team of kids to hang with? Can’t keep up: “Ten years of Kardashian secrets!” proclaims this story about the 10th anniversary of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Every second of their lives has been filmed for 10 years. There are no more secrets.

STAR

Cover: Sandy’s getting married so she can adopt a third baby that will “know who his daddy is right from the start.” Um, that is just rude. Star this week is actually the meanest I’ve seen a tabloid be in a long time.

Unnecessary roughness: I realize these stories are the bread and butter of tabloids, but the cattiness in this Jessica Simpson story is extra. They label one photo “not-too-tubby” and call her the “double-chinned mother of two.” They then consult with a “health expert” who says “It’s common for women to gain weight when they get older because their metabolism slows down.” Can’t wait for his article in Star’s sister publication No-duh Weekly! Beauty and the Gleek: Star reports via a single sentence that Glee’s Naya Rivera and David Spade broke up, to which this stunned reader can only reply: “They were dating?!” Tanis Fowler

NICHOLAS HUNT/GETTY IMAGES Kudos to this photographer, who captured both the EXACT moment that Mariah Carey realized she no longer has a good side . . .

ALISON BUCK/GETTY IMAGES In the world of boy bands and the boy band adjacent, I didn’t really think it would be Lance Bass, left, who would be balancing his chakras. I did, however, totally call this Aaron Carter breakdown way back in high school.

RC/BACKGRID One of these ginger “actresses” is reading. Is it Lindsay Lohan, who’s got notes in the margins? Or Phoebe Price who’s simply ENGROSSED in last week’s Life & Style. You be the judge!

ALBERTO E. RODRIGUEZ/GETTY IMAGES The request to stand normally was enough for Matt Walsh and Alan Tudyk, but Tony Hale will not be contained.

RICK DIAMOND/GETTY IMAGES Wynonna Judd’s just trying on eclipse glasses for fun. It has nothing to do with the contact high she’s getting from wearing Willie Nelson’s headband.

NICHOLAS HUNT/GETTY IMAGES . . . and also the exact moment when she remembered she was Mariah Carey and she can make a trio of men literally carry her wherever she goes.

MICHAEL KOVAC/GETTY IMAGES

XPOS/BACKGRID