Breaking down the 7- year itch
Three couples talk about the challenges they’ve faced in their marriage and what comes next
Marriage is hard. But there’s a long-running notion that it gets particularly difficult around the sevenyear mark.
The seven-year itch is more than just a 1955 movie starring Marilyn Monroe. It’s a psychological term that suggests people get “itchy” after seven years of a relationship, and happiness in the relationship declines.
Fern Kagan, a psychologist with a private practice in Toronto, said there are different opinions about whether it’s a seven-year itch, a four-year itch, or simply however long it takes for the honeymoon period to wear off.
Astudy released in 1999 in the journal Development Psychology, conducted by Lawrence A. Kurdek, a psychology professor at Wright State University, found that there were two times when marital quality decreased, after four years and again after seven. The study also found that the quality of marriage between couples with children declined more rapidly.
Nearly two decades later, Kagan said the idea of an “itchy” period subsists.
“Typically, things do get more difficult as the newness wears off and familiarity sets in,” Kagan said. “By seven, eight years, couples typically have children. They’re juggling more demands with less resources.
The challenge in marriage in general is to try to keep things exciting and interesting once that natural newness part wears off.”
Kagan said there are certain common challenges couples face, but how they navigate them varies as there are “different paths.”
The Star spoke to three couples who reached their seventh anniversary this year about their expectations of marriage versus the reality, what challenges they encountered on the way, and what they think the next seven years will look like. BJ Barone, 37, and Frankie Nelson, 47 While out separately on Church St. in 2007, Barone and Nelson bonded over their identical shoes. The duo, who are both high school teachers, began dating shortly after and were married three years later, on Aug. 2, 2010.
Barone now understands the idea behind the seven-year itch.
“Seven years is a long time to be with one person,” he said.
“I notice now we bicker a little more. Frank said earlier that we blame a bit more on each other.”
But Nelson said one of the toughest hurdles they’ve faced happened earlier, as Barone’s family initially struggled with their relationship. After about six months of dating, the pair planned a trip to Disney World but Barone, who had still not come out to his family, wasn’t sure what to tell them. Nelson, having already gone through the process of coming out, said he could not continue dating Barone if he didn’t come out, Barone said.
“I didn’t want to stay in the closet,” Barone said. “And I knew I had someone who could support me going through all of that.”
He told his mother and grandmother first, who were both supportive, but when other family members found out “they had a hard time accepting at first,” Barone said.
“His parents were not accepting,” Nelson said. “Going through that stuff could either tear you apart or keep you closer and for us it kept us closer.”
Now, Barone said, his family is very supportive and he believes a turning point was the birth of his and Nelson’s son, Milo, three years ago.
The birth led to the next change in their relationship. With more to juggle, Nelson said, “life has been a bigger struggle.” One unexpected curveball presented itself when a photo of the pair with their newborn son went viral in 2014.
It led to a whirlwind of attention and they received some negative comments online that were difficult to deal with.
But Nelson said it was also a “wonderful opportunity to speak out” and it led to the pair bonding further through writing a children’s book together.
Through it all, Barone said he learned that marriage is about compromise in order to keep your partner happy. With so many years under their belts, he said, you learn to trust more and “put your heart into it 100 per cent.”
Sydney Wong, 33, and Angela Lau, 34 Despite knowing each other since high school, Wong, a physician, and Lau, a freelance art director and photographer, didn’t begin dating until the end of university.
The pair went out for about four years before they were married on July 31, 2010.
Wong said he had a “very rosy, maybe naive picture of marriage.”
“I thought it was an extension of dating but it turned out to be a lot more nuanced than that,” Wong said. “It’s more difficult at times but easier in other ways too.”
After getting married, Wong said he felt assured knowing he always had someone in his corner. It helped him settle down and start thinking about retirement.
One difficulty that stood out to Wong was merging two families into one.
“All of a sudden it’s one big family and you’re trying to figure out a way to deal with all the family idiosyncrasies.”
But it was adding to their family that turned out to be their biggest challenge, as they struggled with infertility.
“Everything went fine until we started trying to have kids,” Lau said. “It didn’t happen and family pressure made it a lot worse.”
After about four years of trying, they had their now-14-month-old daughter Esme.
But her arrival also brought more change. Lau said Wong, who likes to be very efficient, has had to adapt.
As for the seven-year itch, Wong said he thinks it happens when “people realize that the day-to-day is the way it is and it’s not likely to change dramatically again.”
“I think I did have that, but I think I took it a little differently,” Wong said.
“I said to myself the point of life is to have these day-to-day things and enjoy them instead of seeing them as points to a destination.”
Ariella Orner, 31, and Daniel Orner, 36 Ariella and Daniel only dated for three months before getting engaged. Five months later, they were married in Toronto on Aug. 10, 2010.
At first, Daniel said, there were some differing expectations and frustrations about what married life looked like.
“She thought we’d be entertaining each other all the time. We had all these nights of us being bored at home,” he said. “She came to accept the fact that it’s fine to be home and take it easy. We love it.”
Ariella, who conducts marriage communication workshops, and Daniel, a software engineer, now have three daughters, who are 5, 3, and soon to be 1. Daniel said they’ve always had the attitude that the relationship comes first, even before the kids.
“It’s probably an unpopular statement, but we’ve learned if you don’t put it first, inevitably the relationship with the kids suffers,” he said. “Kids are very smart. They can tell when your relationship isn’t strong.”
After seven years, Daniel said he understands the seven-year itch, as you can “get in a groove and used to things.”
“If you have a certain personality I can see that bothering you,” Daniel said. “But we focus on the relationship. We work to keep each other on our toes.”
Ariella said more time together has allowed her to learn more about Daniel.
“This past year Daniel’s uncle passed away. He was close with him. I learned about his vulnerability and who he is as a person,” Ariella said.
As for the next seven years, Daniel can’t even picture it yet or imagine his daughters at the ages of 12, 10, and 8. But Ariella can.
“We’ll have a lot more grey hair,” she said. “Or no hair at all.”