Brother-in-law’s lack of sympathy doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving

My husband passed away last year. I received sympathy from many people, except from my brother-inlaw who knew my husband for 60+ years. He has never acknowledged my husband’s death, asked how I was coping, etc.; it’s like my husband’s death didn’t matter.

I am puzzled and hurt, and find it hard to be in his presence. Were it not for my sister, who is in fragile health, I would eliminate him from my life. Your thoughts? Grieving is like water-skiing. We who participate divide into two camps: those who hang on too long and those who let go too soon.

There is, undoubtedly, a perfect middle place, but few of us find it.

I’m a hanger-on. I tend to talk about people I’ve lost, tell stories, look at pictures and generally recognize that life has changed. I don’t weep and wail a lot; that gets tedious. But I do like to relish my memories, savour what has been and be open with myself and others about the loss I feel.

Movers-on are a different breed of cat. My father was one of them. When a loved one died, Dad’s approach was: “There are things to be done; let’s get on with it.”

He was the one in his large family who arranged funerals, executed wills and so on. Hugs were rare and, until Mom died, I never saw him shed a tear. He grieved by doing what had to be done, to make things easier for others.

Hangers-on take as much time off work as possible; movers-on go back Monday morning. Movers-on take down pictures; hangers-on post them on Facebook for the next 10 years.

Hangers-on go in the closet every morning just to smell their loved-one’s clothing; movers-on call Goodwill.

None of us is entirely one way or the other.

Like a graceful water-skier, we aim to let go at the perfect time, appreciating the ride we’ve had while gliding smoothly into a safe harbour.

I suspect you’re a hanger-on and your brother-in-law is a mover-on. He doesn’t understand your need; you can’t understand his strangely dismissive style. I also suspect he needs your help. Because they are in such a hurry to “get back to normal,” movers-on tend to suppress feelings, often burying emotions that are too painful — and complicated — to see the light of day.

I suspect your brother-in-law is a mover-on. He doesn’t understand your need; you can’t understand his strangely dismissive style

So next time you see your brother-inlaw (and a few times after that), I want you to talk, as freely as you can, about your husband, how much you miss him and so on.

Tell stories, both funny and sad. Invite your bro-in-law to do the same. Try a line like this: “You know, I think about John every day. Does that happen to you?” Or ask: “What do you remember best about John?”

Your brother-in-law is hurting and his wife’s illness compounds his pain. He doesn’t know how to name what he’s feeling and he’s afraid that if he opens the floodgates of grief, he’ll never get them closed.

He’s not afraid of making you cry; he’s afraid of shedding tears himself. You’re better at this than he is. So don’t give up; the more you help him heal, the more you’ll heal yourself. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca.