It’s way too late for Justin Bieber to think before he inks
Excessive tattoos may prove a regret when his pecs balloon and his ripped abs turn flab
Justin Bieber is running out of skin to vandalize.
If his obsession with tattoos does not slow down, by this time next year the bottoms of his feet will be the sole body part — see what I did there? — to remain ink-free. Knees, fingernails, retinas, genitals, palms, scalp, tongue, the pop star is on pace to embellish every anatomical square inch and morph into a walking human gallery of dubious art before he reaches the tender age of 25.
Bieber has more tattoos than most of us have shirts. There is enough extractable ink in his epidermis to now supply a Montblanc factory for up to two weeks of continuous pen production. At 50 yards, when shirtless, he now appears to be either monstrously hirsute or wearing a vest cut from a garbage bag.
His latest and most dramatic body art was unveiled this weekend on Instagram. It promptly turned millions of Beliebers into Jessimists.
“What have you done???????” fans clacked into their keyboards, their shock manifesting in excessive punctuation. “Why???? No!!!!!!!! How could you?????? What?!?!?! This is awful!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS YOUR BELLY BUTTON??????”
The new tattoo, which spans Bieber’s entire torso, incorporates some old tattoos and then takes everything to the visual extreme. Staring at the topless photo and short video he posted, I was reminded of the moody goths in my high school who loitered in the smoking area like anti-social vampires and bought military surplus bags, which they doctored with permanent black marker, doodling skulls, gargoyles, crosses, roses, birds of prey, skeletons, fluted columns and growling animals.
Save for a reference to Depeche Mode or the Smiths, Bieber’s body now looks so much like one of those canvas backpacks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he unzipped his abdomen and fished out a calculus textbook.
His new body painting was created over three days in Beverly Hills, requiring Bieber to sprawl supine on a garden cot for about 26 hours, or roughly what it takes to fly from Toronto to Sydney and then bingewatch the first season of Stranger Things. The flesh mural is the handiwork of Keith (Bang Bang) McCurdy, who despite the disquieting nickname is often identified as a “celebrity tattoo artist.”
In an interview with E! News, he expounded on the allegorical imagery of opposing universal forces while elucidating a dichotomous philosophical realm that touches on both Spinoza and Pyrrhonism, at least within the context of bubblegum pop.
“It’s symbolic of Gothic art and the struggle between the light and dark, the good and the evil, yin and yang,” said Mr. Bang Bang. “I wanted to make sure we had contrast in subject matter and imagery.”
I suppose this makes sense, since songs like “Sorry,” “Baby,” “Boyfriend” and “Beauty and a Beat” convinced me the devil is real. But beyond the struggle between light and dark, beyond the spiritual, why has nobody close to Bieber assumed the role of truth-teller and said, “Dude, stop! You look ridiculous!”
Evil is not telling your pal his body now looks like a V12 hot rod that received a customized paint job from a descendant of Edgar Allan Poe. Evil is not telling him his head appears to be a different race. Evil is not reminding him that time changes everything, including human bodies, and that one day he may rue the tattoo mania of his early 20s.
If the Biebs looks ridiculous now with more than 60 tattoos, what will happen when his pecs balloon and his ripped abs bulge into a one-pack of tatted-up flab? What happens when those outstretched eagle wings puff out and resemble 3D train tracks? What happens when his spirit animals, a lion and a bear, are transformed into a walrus and a fanged Frisbee by a slowing metabolism?
What horrors await when his belly button makes its triumphant return?
Bieber’s global army of admirers is now living through a yin and yang moment of their own. They are torn between gagging at the jarring sight of their shirtless leader or embracing acceptance.
As in, “It’s his body and he can do what he wants.”
While this is technically true, let’s not kid ourselves. Bieber’s appearance is a major factor in his stardom. If he ever gets a windmill grafted to his forehead or decides he’s sick of having a nose, will his fans still find it impossible to not scream in his presence or will those shrieks shift from amorous adoration to outright fear?
Of course, it’s Bieber’s body. And of course, he can do what he wants. But he should at least realize corporeal transformation by way of tacky and excessive body art is a dangerous game to play when you exist primarily in the realm of image.
Tattoos are driven by impulse, which is why there is a parallel industry just as profitable that’s known as “tattoo removal.” So years from now, when his fans have teens of their own and have ceased using social media, Bieber may still have his tattoos and his skin-based forms of expression.
But when he takes a selfie then, after undressing in his cruise ship cabin after a midnight show near the buffet, he may also have regrets.
The full-body tattoo, he’ll think, that’s where it all went sideways. vmenon@thestar.ca