PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GIFTS FOR EVERY SITUATION
Have you had something you’ve wanted to tell a loved one for the past year and haven’t found the way? Or been guilted into buying a gift for someone you’d rather not? Here are a few subtle-ish ideas. By
For the nosy neighbour: buzz off
The last thing an annoying neighbour needs is another tchotchke cluttering up the living room, from which they peer with a raised eyebrow at the state of your lawn. Give the money for their gift to someone in need on the other side of the world. The gift of a beehive, honeybees and training can give women a livelihood and pollinate local crops all at once. What they think: “You’re so caring and compassionate.” What you’re really trying to say: “You bug me.” Buzzing bees, $35, available through Plan International, plancanada.ca.
For the reno rookie: put a lid on it
This Lee Valley compost pail is a classic — a sturdy design that matches any decor and effectively contains rotting food smells. Best part? It’s dishwasher safe. What they think: “This is the best addition for my brand-new kitchen!” What you’re really trying to say: “Your kitchen stinks.” Lee Valley Tools Stainless-Steel Compost Pails, $28.50 (four-litre size) or $29.50 (six-litre size), leevalley.com.
For annoying cousins: throw this at them
This cute pillow is right on trend, with its typewriter font and quick-witted message. They’ll think it’s self-deprecating, but you’ll know who the real sour kids in the patch are. What they think: “Aw, this is a quirky pillow that’s stuffed with irony!” What you’re really trying to say: “Nope, your family is actually weird.” Expressions “Family is Like Candy” pillow cover, $39.50, available in Indigo stores or online at indigo.ca.
For the screen-obsessed child: take a ride
This snow racer requires two hands on the steering wheel at all times — meaning a screen-obsessed child (or big kid) won’t be able to text while riding and you won’t have to hear message dings or those present unwrapping videos with the volume on full blast. Suitable for riders aged 7 and up. What they think: “This is awesome! I can’t wait to get outside . . . right after this YouTube video.” What you’re really trying to say: “Get outside, kid.” Stiga Snow Rider (holds maximum 220 lbs, or 100 kg), $109.99. Available at mastermindtoys.com or Mastermind Toys locations.
For your relentless mother-in-law: a rock
If this piques your interest, then this polished purple agate slice, which measures about eight inches by about six inches, will surely liven up her aggressively beige interior. Some people believe agate promotes inner stability and maturity, which, if you’re considering this gift, she surely needs. What they think: “What a thoughtful and surely valuable gift.” What you’re really trying to say: “I got you a rock.” Polished purple agate slice, $119.99 ($107.99 for members), available at the Royal Ontario Museum’s online store, shop.rom.on.ca.