Parents need to take a step back from their kids
Today’s parents — myself included — have gotten ourselves a welldeserved reputation as helicopter parents who hover over our kids, chasing away any difficulties that pose a threat to their kids’ happiness and esteem.
But when they eventually leave our nests (albeit later than we did — thanks a heck of a lot, housing prices), they’ll need mental strength to navigate some of life’s stormy waters.
Amy Morin, author of a new book called 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, wants us all to be able to help our kids grow into responsible adults who can get through whatever life throws their way.
Morin is a foster parent, social worker and psychotherapist, and bestselling author, and her wildly popular TEDx Talk has been viewed nearly six million times.
The Star caught up with Morin recently to talk about the parenting habits that will help cultivate mental strength in our kids. Your book provides strategies for parents of kids of all ages to build mental muscle, which really comes down to resilience. You have your own very personal resilience story with some of the tough stuff you had to handle at a fairly young age. How did that shape you and your mission about mental strength?
I started out as a therapist thinking that my goal in life was to be teaching people how to be mentally strong based on what I’d learned in college.
But it was about a year into my therapy career that my mother passed away very suddenly from a brain aneurysm, and it became clear to me that I was going to have to work on my own mental strength. And on the three-year anniversary of when my mom passed away, my 26-year-old husband died of a heart attack. And I don’t even know how to describe that period in my life.
To say it was painful is an understatement, but I found myself a 26-year-old widow without a mom and I thought, “Now what do I do?”
Over the years of working as a therapist I had realized that some people are really resilient. And sometimes it wasn’t about what they did that made them bounce back; sometimes it was more about what they didn’t do.
So I worked really hard, not just on building healthy habits to deal with my grief, but I also wanted to get rid of bad habits.
Years down the road I was fortunate enough to find love again and got remarried, and shortly after that my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I thought, that’s not fair. Why do I keep losing loved ones?
Somewhere in the midst of my pity party I realized that mentally strong people don’t feel sorry for themselves. And I wrote a list of all the things that mentally strong people don’t do and when I was done I had a list of 13 things.
I published it online thinking, “Maybe this will help somebody else,” and never imaged it would go viral, but it was read by more than 50 million people. The first of the 13 things you outline in the book is not condoning a victim mentality. What is so important about that trait?
In our world today, we’ve sort of changed the word victim and what it means and when you are a victim.
I’ve heard kids say, “My teacher made me stay after for detention because my teacher is a bully.”
Parents don’t mean to do that, but sometimes they inadvertently send the message that the world is horrible, and people are going to hold you back. Then kids grow up in this pervasive learned helplessness and they don’t ever learn how to solve problems, how to fix things, how to cope.
Even if kids have gone through some rough circumstances or were born with certain difficulties, it doesn’t mean that they have to be a victim. You also write that mentally strong parents don’t make their children the centre of the universe. Do you think that’s happening more than it used to?
Our parents’ generation were raised to have their own lives and kids were just part of the picture.
But I think the pendulum swung and kids now become the centre of their parents’ universe. While it’s great to give kids lots of attention, on the other hand we can dote on them too much. And I have to say that of all the chapters, this is the one I have gotten the most feedback from parents who say, “No, I think you’re supposed to make your kids the centre of the universe.”
I think it’s great to make the kids a priority in your life, obviously, but you can still have a life outside of that. You can have hobbies. You can go places and do things that don’t necessarily involve the kids.
But I think a lot of parents are of the mentality that in order to be a good parent everything has to be centred around your child. What are you seeing with children who have been raised like that?
They grow up to be pretty crummy friends. They have trouble with their relationships. They’re not good employees because they just don’t understand why other people don’t cater to them.
I think we’re doing them a disservice because we’re not raising them to be empathetic, to co-operate, to share, to understand other people’s opinions or to be givers. And when they get out in the real world and discover that not the entire universe is revolving around them, then they really struggle to function. Akey part of that is something else you touch on, that mentally strong parents don’t let their children avoid responsibility. Why is it so important that we teach kids to have responsibility?
We want to raise them to become responsible citizens who can speak up and make good choices, and who can be good partners or a good roommate someday.
Studies will show that 82 per cent of parents had chores but only 28 per cent of parents give their kids chores. I think it stems from this mentality that kids should be kids, or we put so much emphasis on school and sports, music, activities. But on the other hand, studies show that kids who have responsibilities, even if they’re 4 years old, they’re much more likely to be successful later on in life. They grow up to have healthier marriages and they become better employees. What do you most want parents to take away from the book?
Parents are doing their best. I think some of them have just gone a little too far in doing too much for kids. Sometimes just scaling back a little.
Even though these parenting habits are popular right now, by not doing them you’re giving your kid the opportunity to build mental muscle. All kids have the ability to build mental strength. We just have to teach them how. Brandie Weikle writes about parenting issues and is the host of The New Family Podcast and editor of thenewfamily.com