Woman wonders if she can stay in a sexless marriage

I’m 51, recently married to a man, 58. We’d dated two years before marrying, everything was fine.

Now, change of job, plus a little bit of weight gain, and he doesn’t want to have sex. He actually says “Yuk” when I ask him. I’ve now lost desire and my self-esteem’s destroyed. I was a very loving, giving and desiring girlfriend. That’s all vanished.

Back story: He was very promiscuous, involved with at least 30 women sexually before me . . . think “man whore.” He’d then abstained for nine years prior to dating me.

There’s still love between us, but no sex. He refuses counselling and cannot get erect even with stimulation. I’m too young to be stuck in this kind of a relationship. Stay or Go?

Try “Stay,” but only while you work on your self-esteem.

Leave too soon and you’ll feel defeated without even understanding why.

His swings of extreme behaviour are highly unusual — from rampant promiscuity to abstention, steady marital sex, then total rejection and erectile dysfunction.

Insist that he sees his doctor about whether medical factors are the cause (be clear that a health check’s a condition of your not leaving . . . yet).

If there’s no medical illness, then avoiding counselling is another way that he does only what he pleases, without regard for you.

See a therapist on your own to build confidence about your stay-or-go decision.

If nothing changes over time, his rejection (over a small weight gain and changed job?!) will ultimately shut down any remaining love you feel. I’ve been with the same man for five years. He has five children and, until recently, was only in contact with his youngest three.

There’s always been a very strained relationship between him and his ex. I handle the communication for visits. Last March he and his ex disagreed about a visit. He’s refused to see his kids since. They’re 8, 11 and 14. He also hasn’t spoken to them since July.

I’ve tried to show him he’s treating the children terribly for the sake of his own ego and anger. He doesn’t see anything wrong and blames his ex for taking extra money from him to buy the kids necessities, never meeting him halfway for the visitation and for her general neglect of the children.

She’s had extensive involvement with child welfare authorities regarding her lack of parenting skills. He’s reasoned that he wants part of the custody order changed before he sees the kids, which she won’t permit. I’m a mother and cannot understand why he’d turn his back on his kids. Is there anything I can do to get through to him? Very Upset Yes, reach out to his children. Send them belated Christmas gifts, call them and email if possible.

Then tell him that his willingness to emotionally punish his children when they’re already neglected by their mother, is also harmful to them and intolerable to you.

If he has strong reasons to want some changes in the custody order, he needs to take that to family court . . . not distance from his younger, vulnerable kids.

He needs to know that he’s being unreasonable to the point of losing any respect (and regard) you may still have for him.

If he won’t consider some professional help over this standoff — the courts may provide counselling and mediation — then I doubt your relationship with him will last long-term.

If you do split up, try to maintain contact with his children as a caring person in their lives.

Tip of the day If a partner arbitrarily rejects sex long-term, without discussion or seeking help, get strong and consider getting “gone.” Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.