I found secret sex toys in my wife’s nightstand

When I first met my wife of four years (dated three years) she seemed very conservative — a good fit for my personality style and upbringing.

After six months, she moved in. While unpacking, I found a book I didn’t realize was her diary.

The first pages described a sexual affair she’d had with a married man in his 50s, when she was 23.

I stopped reading and never brought it up. When we married, my wife’s long-time friend and her husband came for dinner.

The friend became intoxicated and recounted their university days when they played strippoker with four guys, which ended in an orgy. I was shocked. My wife and I fought for a month over this. She claimed that her friend was mistaken and exaggerating in her drunkenness. We now have children. While looking for a missing TV remote in my wife’s nightstand, I found several sex toys, lingerie and platform “stripper” shoes.

I’ve never seen those items before. She’s always very conservative in bed.

Should I confront her? I feel there’s a hidden side to her. My instincts say to leave. Right Instincts? If you believe your wife truly leads a double life as a stripper or sex worker or having affairs, your instinct’s right.

However, if she has a regular job in a workplace or is occupied at home with youngsters, and without other evidence of an alternate life, then it’s your pride telling you to leave.

But with seven years of history together, you need to know more than you’ve written here. Confront her (not accuse). Ask her why she keeps those sexy items around.

Maybe she fantasizes but presents a conservative sexual side because she thinks that’s all you want.

She may have hidden passion that she feels she must suppress.

You need some answers. Then, getting marital counselling together might reveal the story behind the one you’re playing in your head, without knowing what’s true. My parents divorced in 1997 and I’m now 30.

My dad’s still with the woman he married several years later.

My parents still fight and argue. My younger sister still has resentment toward my dad.

She recently had surgery and both parents were at the hospital. They soon didn’t get along and my dad made a comment about my sister still living with my mom.

I’m getting married soon and my mom wants me to never mention my dad, or involve a group text with him and her both in it . . . and more.

I don’t want to sabotage my relationships with friends, my boyfriend, my work life, etc. over them.

I don’t get why they just don’t stop fighting.

I think it’s affecting me now more than ever. Confused Their whole dynamic may’ve been win-lose and push-pull, so nothing’s changed.

Or, one side can never forgive the other, or neither accept that they too may’ve contributed to the split.

Meanwhile, you no longer have to feel “in the middle” or a victim of their animosity.

Her orders about how to behave with your father are her needs, not yours.

Even if you don’t text them together, you can still have whatever relationship with him that you choose.

If she finds out, it’s no longer her business.

The only thing about them that can “sabotage” your own relationship is if you continue to dwell on their negative one.

See an individual therapist to hear professional feedback about ways to separate your own decisions and choices from theirs. Tip of the day Don’t break up a family over hurt pride; learn what’s true and why it happened. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.