My wife wants us to just be friends now

I’m 40, a professional, married to my wife for seven years — a second marriage for us both.

Until recently, I thought we were very happy. She’s the love of my life.

Looking back, I can see that some of the romance and passion had disappeared, but we were very comfortable with each other. She never said anything to make me think she was unhappy.

When we first started dating, she’d said she was never a very sexual person and didn’t have a strong sex life with her ex-husband.

So, when our sex life became less frequent, I assumed this was just not a priority.

Recently, she told me she was no longer attracted to me and hadn’t been for a long time.

I was severely shocked as I thought things were going great, we’d been making plans for the future.

Yet she felt she may want to leave and explore a relationship with someone else.

I later learned that one of her first loves had recently, suddenly, messaged her.

Though she says she’s dismissed him, it raised unresolved feelings in her.

She realized that if someone from her past can make her feel buried passion, then I can no longer bring that out in her.

I’m feeling rejected, emasculated and hurt.

She wants to remain friends because she thinks I’ve become more of a friend than a lover, and she can’t look at me any other way. I wish she’d want to work on the relationship instead of just giving up and moving on.

I know I should tell her to leave so I can move on with my life and try to heal. But I’m having a hard time because I still love her and don’t want to lose her.

But if she starts dating someone else, that’ll hurt even more and I don’t want to be around to see it. How To Proceed?

It’s a stark contrast — all the while you felt so happy with your wife, she was growing away from you romantically.

Those opposite reactions may be her pattern, since she also lacked a strong sex life with her ex-husband. She may even be a woman who only feels passion when there’s new excitement in her life.

To explore this possibility and its place in her background, she’d need to be willing to go to counselling, either with you or on her own.

And you’d need for her to be willing to share with you what she discovers about herself.

However, your descriptions have her sounding like someone who’d rather move on than open herself up to scrutiny.

If so, I strongly recommend you seek counselling yourself, to help you decide how to handle this.

At the moment, she’s very likely to move on to this next man.

It’s already pretty clear that you’re not going to be happy as the best friend on whom she leans but doesn’t love. Reader’s commentary: “You’ve sometimes rightly suggested that a young person suffering abuse at home confide in a trusted teacher.

“Readers should know that teachers are bound by strict laws and professional requirements to report to social services any situations harmful to our students.

“Then, this non-school association connects families with resources that can help them handle crises.

“Teachers are also legally required to provide confidentiality by not speaking about it with other students or only when very necessary with staff (e.g. telling the principal if a nonschool agency needs to be contacted).”

It’s already pretty clear that you’re not going to be happy as the best friend on whom she leans but doesn’t love

Tip of the day When a romantic partner wants to be “just friends,” the breakup decision’s already been made — unless counselling is sought. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.