Finding resources for kids of divorce can be challenging
When Lori Lucas and her wife split very suddenly in July 2015, their youngest daughter, 5 years old at the time, starting acting out. A lot.
This wasn’t run-of-the-mill, kindergarten-variety tantrums and moods.
Her daughter would hit, punch and kick her parents and brother in “intense emotional outbursts.”
“My 5 year old had no constructive way to emotionally process all that was going on, so many changes, so quickly, as my ex and I came apart as parents,” said Lucas, a mom of three from Toronto. “She was frightened, upset and filled with uncertainty.”
Their little girl began having nightmares and stomach problems and searched for ways to control whatever she could in her environment, says Lucas.
“Her food, her toys had to be lined up perfectly. She would wear the same outfit every day for weeks.”
Eventually, her family doctor would conclude that Lucas’s daughter was experiencing displaced grief and stressrelated obsessive compulsive disorder. After one particularly violent episode, Lucas took her to the emergency department at The Hospital for Sick Children. By now it was October 2016. It would take until last month — some 20 months later — to get a call about a children’s support group at Sick Kids.
When the federal Liberals tabled Bill C-78 on May 22, proposing the first updates to the Divorce Act in 20 years, the changes were touted as the beginning of a new era that would put the needs of the kids front and centre. Indeed, they propose a number of substantive steps in the right direction, according to legal experts.
The fall out that Lucas’s daughter experienced is extreme. I don’t want people to read this column and conclude that their divorce is going to wreck the kids. In fact, the longest-running study of the effects of divorce on children, conducted over three decades by celebrated divorce researcher E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia, found that “its negative longterm effects have been exaggerated.” Still, the changes it brings about can be brutal in the short-term, particularly in acrimonious situations. That’s why parents and family law professionals say that even when Bill C-78 passes, as it’s expected to, the system can’t truly address the needs of the kids unless access to menta- health services improves.
Rick Peticca, a family lawyer and associate with Shulman Law Firm in Toronto, says he’s noticed that the mental-health needs of children whose parents are having particularly acrimonious separations just aren’t being met. And when trouble arises with the kids as a result, it can bring families back to court over and over, he says.
“Often people are stuck trying to pick up their own pieces. And if they’re not given the tools or taught how to do it, they’re likely going to find themselves back in the court system years later because they still haven’t figured out how to work through conflict.”
Accessing those tools gets even harder when co-parents don’t agree that their child needs help.
Cynthia Pressman knows that all too well.
“When we separated, our youngest was 11 and she was the only one left in town; the older two were away at universities,” said Pressman, also of Toronto. “She was quite upset and felt very alone.”
While she and her ex were able to agree on 50-50 custody, he disagreed that their daughter would benefit from counselling. Pressman retained a litigator. “Quite a few thousand dollars later, we had a court order which included a monthly session with the social worker.” She and her ex pay privately for these, each picking up the tab on alternating months.
In shared-custody situations, both parties must agree upon medical treatment for their kids before it can proceed, explains Peticca. There are good reasons for that, but it adds a stumbling block to the already complicated business of accessing mental healthcare services for kids, particularly if one party sees agreeing to counselling as a point won by their ex.
“I think the parents are often so focused on the ‘fight’ between themselves that the children are really left helpless,” said Peticca. “There’s this whole talk of best interest of the child, yet very few times the child has any input.”
Kelly Bos, a psychotherapist based in Orillia, agrees. “Although parents try to focus on the kids, the adult issues are usually the driving force in a divorce, and sometimes it can be hard to see what your child’s specific mental-health needs might be when dealing with so much personal stress.”
Additionally, many services for children’s mental health have lengthy waiting lists, she says. That’s tough given the issues are likely best addressed at the beginning to help with the transitions and provide the child a safe space to express feelings.
“By the time you are off the waiting list … some of the early concerns might grow and opportunities for intervention will be missed,” she said There are paid options that those with the resources can access to bypass waitlists, but many can’t, especially given that divorce is already expensive, says Bos, a former clinical investigator for Ontario’s Office of the Children’s Lawyer.
Peticca from Shulman Law says he’d like to see governments come together to create some sort of program that would provide — and require — divorcing couples to partake in co-parenting courses and family counselling sessions if they wish to access the court system to sort out their differences.
It’s an investment that would pay dividends by eliminating the need for repeat trips to court.
“I think if they look hard enough they’ll probably be able to find resources.”
“I think if they look hard enough they’ll probably be able to find resources.”
RICK PETICCA FAMILY LAWYER