Dad’s marriage advice not helpful
I’m in trouble with my two 30-something daughters because I told them they need to marry a wimp or a low-key guy to have a good marriage.
My ex, her sisters, their father and my daughters all have strong abrasive personalities. Their favourite expression is, “Am I right, or am I right?”
Despite having good looks, they can’t keep boyfriends for more than a few months.
I told them to each search for an unmotivated guy who’ll accept their moody personalities.
Not a driven career guy or hard-working man. Those types of ex-boyfriends created too much conflict or drama with my girls.
Instead, they should find a guy who’s been living in the same apartment for 10 years or wants to keep the same job for the next 20 years.
They’re the only types who could handle or accept my daughters’ moods, arguments and style (or lack thereof ). Am I wrong to suggest they adjust their expectations, so they can get and remain married for the long-term?
Quiet Low-key Dad
I wish you were having me on with an attempted joke here.
If so, I’d say it’s a crummy attempt at humour.
But if this is the actual approach you used to advise daughters regarding choosing life partners, it’s still crummy because of how you describe and communicate with them.
Perhaps they have personalities as difficult as you describe. BUT — unless they share your twisted humour and also accept your advice on face value — you’ve insulted rather than encouraged your adult daughters.
(You’ve also thrown in barbed comments against their mother, plus their close relatives).
If these two attractive women in their 30s are actually seeking long-term relationships, and keep choosing men that have difficulty getting along with them, they need therapists, not wimps.
They need to get beyond the limits of their experience with (alleged) difficult family members and a mocking father, to recognize how their own behaviour patterns affect their dating and romantic relationships. That’s the kind of respectful, supportive but realistic advice they should get from a concerned and caring parent. In your next conversation with them — separately — you can try that. I’ve been dating my “boyfriend” for just under a year.
Early in our relationship he didn’t want to commit to labels or being officially together. Over time when he got more comfortable, he agreed we were boyfriend/ girlfriend and exclusive.
Now, six months later, I made a comment referencing him as my boyfriend. His friend made a joke along the lines of, why did I think he was my boyfriend.
I feel like my “boyfriend” is telling me one thing and telling his friends something else.
Sometimes I feel that he’s just with me because he feels like he couldn’t get anyone else. He doesn’t seem to respect my feelings.
If I were to mention his friend’s comment, he’d dismiss me or make me feel like my feelings are creating a bigger issue. I wish he would break up with me if that’s how he feels.
Girlfriend or Not?
Repeat these next words to yourself: It’s how you feel that has to matter most to you.
You’re not a mind reader to guess at what he’s telling others.
You’re a person with feelings that have to be respected. And you’re the person who has to make sure that happens.
Ask him if he’s “ghosting” you from his friends, not acknowledging you as his girlfriend.
If he blames you for “creating an issue,” walk away, period.
He’s the issue.
Tip Of The Day
A father’s scorn can be very damaging to daughters even if they’re adults.
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