Note to self: Never play truth or dare with Rudy
It’s possible nobody knows what Rudy Giuliani is thinking — not even Rudy Giuliani.
That’s assuming Donald Trump’s lawyer is still capable of rational thought, something that seems less likely with each bizarre media appearance. Though the U.S. president and his zombie groupies insist Robert Mueller is leading a “witch hunt,” the truth is the Special Counsel has already uncovered a startling number of pointy black hats and flying brooms.
For the Trump campaign to have been any witchier, Trump would have had to personally hire Bellatrix Lestrange, Maleficent, Mater Suspiriorum and, for all undersea outreach, Ursula. With indignant rage, Trump claims he has nothing to hide. And Mueller keeps finding things that were hidden.
This investigation is turning into one of those TV specials that reveals topsecret magic tricks. And this might explain why Trump’s lawyers keep running for the hills.
Enter Giuliani, a former prosecutor, mayor of New York and longtime Trump bootlicker, who joined the besieged team in April and has since stormed TV airwaves to give one extended master class in how to harm a client. It was Giuliani who told the world Trump had reimbursed Michael Cohen for the hush money that was secretly funneled to Stormy Daniels. It is Giuliani who keeps contradicting past Trump claims. It is Giuliani who keeps moving the goalposts, after which he inevitably misses the ball and ends up kicking Trump in the gonads.
And on Sunday’s Meet The Press, it was Giuliani who nearly made NBC’s Chuck Todd fall out of the anchor chair when he admitted the infamous meeting at Trump Tower was “originally for the purpose” of getting damaging intel on Hillary Clinton.
This led to another remarkable TV moment in the Tao of Rudy.
Todd: “Which, in itself, it’s attempted collusion.” Giuliani: “No it’s not.” Todd: “You just said it. The meeting was intended to get dirt on Hillary Clinton from a criminal lawyer—” Giuliani: “—No, it wasn’t. No, no.” Todd: “That was the intention of the meeting. You just said it.”
Todd squinted into the satellite monitor and looked like he was watching a carnival juggler throw flaming swords in the air and then run for cover. Even Todd’s goatee looked like it wanted to say, “Rudy, are you on mescaline? Are you trying to get your client tossed in the slammer?”
Then, after Todd asked why Trump still hasn’t agreed to an interview with Mueller, Giuliani responded with this: “I am not going to be rushed into having him testify so that he gets trapped into perjury. And when you tell me that, you know, he should testify because he’s going to tell the truth, and he shouldn’t worry, well, that’s so silly because it’s somebody’s version of the truth. Not the truth. He didn’t have a, a conversation—”
Todd: “—Truth is truth. I don’t mean to go like—”
Giuliani: “No, it isn’t truth! Truth isn’t truth!”
If Giuliani had been cast in Jack Nicholson’s role in A Few Good Men, that memorable line would now be: “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH THAT ISN’T TRUTH!”
Todd’s face dissolved into an exasperated grin as he rested his forehead on his right fist. Then he made an accurate prediction: “This is going to become a bad meme.”
Later that night on HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, the British comic asked the question everyone has pondered since Rudy’s first televised screw-up: “What is Giuliani doing and why does the White House keep letting him go on TV?”
Then, mocking Giuliani’s attempt at epistemological gaslighting, Oliver quipped: “Trump is going to wind up behind bars with Giuliani visiting him and saying, ‘Don’t worry, Donald. Prison isn’t prison.’”
I almost feel sorry for Trump — almost. His pathological need for gushing praise has left him with a motley crew of fools who are so blindly loyal, they might as well have white canes and seeing-eye dogs. Instead of surrounding himself with “the best people,” as he vowed, Trump is flanked by grifters and charlatans, crooks and tools. Trumpville is where the worst people get jobs.
You know why this Russia investigation is taking so long? Mueller and his team probably lose five to seven hours a day laughing out loud at the incompetence and self-sabotage coming from the people they are investigating.
Giuliani’s shabby, increasingly unhinged TV appearances may give some false comfort to Trump’s army of nimrods. But this human emoji is not fooling anyone who matters. As MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough pointed out on Monday morning, “Everybody knows that Rudy Giuliani is lying — even Trump.”
If you were stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire and Giuliani stopped to help, he would accidentally cut the brake lines and then set the engine on fire.
In four months, this guy has increased the black cloud of suspicion hanging over his client. He has unwittingly given investigators new leads. His stated goal is to take on Mueller in the court of public opinion, to muddy the waters, but it’s his own reputation that’s now covered in slime.
You want some truth, Mr. Giuliani? You are a disgrace.