How to talk to your children about disasters
Prepare your children right away, don’t wait for tragedy to strike to figure out a plan
As a ‘disaster psychiatrist,’ people sometimes ask me how to talk to their children about terrible events — not surprising, given that Toronto experienced two devastating attacks in quick succession earlier this year.
The first thing I always tell parents is that we shouldn’t wait until disaster strikes. There are several things we can do to prepare our kids in advance, and if handled correctly, these preparations will help children to feel more confident that they can handle unforeseen events.
As soon as they’re old enough, teach your children to memorize your home and cellphone numbers, and your address. Talk to them calmly about what to do in case of an emergency, or if they feel in danger. And we should teach them to say something to an adult if they see anything suspicious. Children can be very aware.
For children to feel safe, they need to trust authority figures and institutions. It matters how you handle other events in the news, so that you’re not eroding kids’ trust in the people who will help and direct them in a crisis. For example, if they hear about a police officer doing something wrong, we need to assure our children that the vast majority of people in positions of authority are trustworthy, and that government employees and agencies work hard to stop dangers before they happen. You can do this without minimizing the seriousness of any particular incident.
We should know where our children are at all times — who they’re with and when they’re expected home. Cellphones sometimes don’t work in a disaster situation so people need a plan B meeting place. In the event of an emergency or disaster, they should go home, but if that’s not possible, teach them where the nearest police station is. If this is too far, what about the school, or a trusted and familiar shop or café?
In talking to children about disasters, we don’t want to alarm them unduly, but we want them to know we’re capable and that we take responsibility for their welfare.
It’s easy for children to become distressed and anxious; we don’t want to suggest they’re in danger or that the
people who take care of them are in danger if that is not the case. So when we talk to children, we need to keep our comments simple, clear and worded sensitively.
It’s also important to find out what they’re hearing about a disaster or tragic event. These days with media surrounding them, our kids may have ideas or beliefs that would surprise us. We’ll never know unless we ask them what they’ve heard.
If they have questions we should encourage them to ask. They often get information from other children, and we want to make sure there aren’t misunderstandings.
Even if the disaster happened in Toronto and you live in Barrie, they may watch the newscast on a friend’s phone and wonder how safe their community is.
After news of a disaster, listening to your child is crucial: how are they taking the news? Ask open-ended questions, like ‘how do you feel?’ and listen closely to the answers. A younger child who’s not very verbal could explore their feelings through drawing. If a child is directly involved in a disaster, we don’t ask ‘how do you feel,’ but rather offer words of empathy and support, such as, “I know this is scary, but help is coming, and I am staying with you.” While you never want to downplay what happened, it’s valuable to tell children these are very unusual events. Their safety is secure and their caregivers are able to take care of them. You want them to keep to their routines — school and chores — as usual.
Older children might get riled up about the event, so we have to instill a sense of calmness and point out more mature ways of handling some of the feelings that arise.
For example, if a teenager is upset over a friend being a victim of a violent crime we need to try to redirect these strong feelings. This is an opportunity for a common sense intervention — explain that it’s far better to let the authorities do their work rather than take personal revenge.
Tell your kids that when bad things happen, it’s OK to grieve but as a family and a society we’ll get through it. We want to normalize life after the event as much as possible, but at the same time we don’t want to act like nobody died or use language like “at least you survived.”
These dismissive statements often reduce calmness, not enhance it. We don’t want to tell people how they should feel or make unrealistic promises. These will backfire and diminish hope.
Most people are resilient and they will recover from disasters. But we have to recognize it’s normal to have feelings of grief or sadness, which can result in all kinds of symptoms, like muscle tension, elevated heartbeat, blood pressure, or fatigue. In the immediate aftermath, you or your kids may feel numb, angry, anxious, sad, depressed or helpless.
You may experience survivor guilt, unreality, disorientation, racing thoughts, slow thoughts, insomnia, memory issues or difficulty making decisions.
These things will pass, as long as they’re not continuing on and on and getting deeper. If these feelings become embedded or people start ruminating on them, I would suggest it’s important to get help.
Frank Sommers is an adjunct lecturer in U of T’s Department of Psychiatry and founding Chair, Section of Disaster Psychiatry, Canadian Psychiatric Association. Doctors’ Notes is a weekly column by members of U of T’s Faculty of Medicine. After news of a disaster, listening to your child is crucial: how are they taking the news?