Suspiria won’t get its hooks into you
Suspiria
(out of 4) Starring Dakota Johnson, Tilda Swinton, Mia Goth and Chloe Grace Moretz. Written by David Kajganich. Directed by Luca Guadagnino. Opens today at Scotiabank Theatre. 152 min. 18A
No peaches were harmed in the making of Luca Guadagnino’s Suspiria.
Expectations, however, take a brutal bruising. Anyone who thought the Italian auteur could bring the same magic to a remake of Dario Argento’s 1977 cult horror movie that he did to his own fruitful coming-of-ager
Call Me by Your Name is in for an unhappy awakening.
Not a terrifying one, however. The strangest thing about Guadagnino’s Suspiria, set in the terrorism-ravaged Germany of 1977, is how blandly unscary it is. The film’s numerous slayings and beatings are more gross and icky than frightening, and the real torture is the 152-minute running time, almost an hour longer than the original.
The central premise of a West Berlin ballet school run by a competitive coven of witches is revealed right from the get-go, not that it was much of a secret to begin with.
Chloe Grace Moretz’s runaway dance student Patricia hisses “They are witches!” to her shrink, Dr. Klemperer, as she proceeds to explain why life inside the Markos Dance Academy, a stone’s throw from the Berlin Wall, is anything but a place for swans or sugar plum fairies. For a film with half of the letters of “suspense” in its title — it’s actually Latin for “sighs” — it’s foolish to give the game away like this.
Dakota Johnson’s protagonist Susie seems far less innocent than Jessica Harper’s wideeyed original, despite the fact she comes from a family of Ohio Mennonites who presumably don’t spend their time watching Rosemary’s Baby or reading the collected works of H.P. Lovecraft.
Maybe it’s because Johnson is best known these days from the 50 Shades of Grey franchise, where the sexual torture chamber of her titular lover resembles a baroque mechanic’s bench.
(The Berlin witches are way tougher than Christian Grey. They play with lethal meat hooks that would send him running for his mommy.)
Susie is given a warm welcome from Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton), the Academy’s chief dance instructor — or as warm a welcome as you could expect from someone of cadaverous pallor who is dressed all in black, as if she’s attending Dracula’s funeral.
Susie immediately impresses Blanc and her troupe with an aggressive voguing style of dance — Damien Jalet did the choreography — that causes an unfortunate hoofer in another room to get seriously bent out of shape, and I mean that quite literally and graphically.
Coven-squealer Patricia, meanwhile, vanishes from the scene.
Clearly, Susie is no babe in the woods, although it’s unclear what exactly she makes of her situation.
Her ambition is greater than any fear she might be feeling, because she volunteers to be the lead in Blanc’s next dance extravaganza.
She’s in no hurry to unmask the Markos Dance Academy, although doddery Dr. Klemperer — and do take a close look at him — wants to know more. He dispatches another student, Sarah (Mia Goth), to try to find out what happened to Patricia.
Argento’s original Suspiria had a Grimm’s Fairy Tales aspect to it, courtesy of a ripe Technicolor palette and a score by Italian band Goblin that contributed greatly to the otherworldly mood of the piece. Guadagnino weirdly goes in for a cold and dispiriting look, drained of most colour apart from blood red. A droning score by Radiohead’s Thom Yorke further robs the film of energy.
“It’s a mess, isn’t it?” Susie says at one point, and she’s certainly got that right.
The one thing Guadagnino’s Suspiria truly has in common with Argento’s Suspiria is that we still have scant notion about what these witches are really up to, apart from arguing over who swings the biggest broomstick. Whatever happened to good ol’ bubble, toil and trouble?