STARGAZING Celebrity cover up

Cardi B keeps it under wraps and Tarantino vows to love one pair of feet from now on

OK

Cover: So Brad Pitt is going to be rattling around all alone on Christmas in a big ’ol mansion because his family forgot him? Some people might call that lonely, but I’d take it as an opportunity to order a lovely cheese pizza, just for me, then defeat two daffy crooks with a bunch of Rube Goldberg-esque traps. Or he can just skype with Maddox and Zahara and Vixen and Blitzen and all the rest.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: I cannot figure out why the tabloids are so eager to have the duchesses give birth to twins. I mean, other than the obvious possibility of some elaborate Man In the Iron Mask scenario. The mag also insinuates a staffer was fired for leaking details. But how could that be when most of these stories come pre-approved with a gold seal of palace approval? Bridezilla: Kylie Jenner will spare no expense for her wedding to some guy. Whoever. Travis? Sure. That sounds right. Anyway! She wants to outdo Kim and Khloe, so money is no object. Butterflies! Private jets! A private resort! Two wedding gowns! Worn at the same time! In a Bentley! Being driven on top of a Rolls! Filled with caviar! It will be magical, dammit!

STAR

Cover: Michelle Obama’s book apparently detailed her relationship with Melania Trump and it’s perhaps not surprising that they are not pals. But the tab implies they’re at each other’s throats. I hate it when First Ladies fight. Except Betty Ford and Rosalyn Carter. They could both throw down. Hello Dolly: Jennifer Aniston and Dolly Parton made a movie called Dumplin’ and now they’re BFFs! I have never before been jealous of ol’ Rachel, but I would put up with constant tabloid stories about how sad I am because I don’t have any babies as long as I got to hang out with Dolly and her boobies. Mannygate: The Jolie-Pitt brood is looked after by a 20something manny named Oscar. This story implies Brad should be worried but ... are we sure Angie didn’t just adopt another child?

BACKGRID Noted foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino has married Daniella Pick, promising to love only one pair of feet from here on out. It was not a teenage wedding, but the monsieur and madame have rung the chapel bell and for better or for worse, he wrote his own vows. They were very simple: “No backsies!”

JWNY JOSIAHW / BACKGRID

BACKGRID Nothing wrong with keeping things under wraps, but next time, Cardi B might want to tell her bodyguard to change out of his Cardi B shirt before he whisks her out of the public eye.

THE CANADIAN PRESS Who wore it best? Paris Jackson or Gritty? This was a trick question: Nobody wears anything better than Tyra, below, who skinned one of everything to create this ensemble.

GETTY IMAGES Drake captioned this Instagram snap of himself with “Corleone,” And yet it is Sean Penn who is giving Bradley Cooper the “Fredo. I know it was you!” hug.

GETTY IMAGES PHOTO Oh man, how badly do I want Sam Elliott and Lady Gaga to be in a real relationship? I know they’re not, but if she’d only give this ol’ stache a chance, I think she might just fall in love.

INSTAGRAM.COM

REES/BACKGRID