IXNAY ON XMAS CAROLS
Getting rid of ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ should be just the start of a Christmas song purge
Vinay Menon suggests tuning out songs in protest of lyrics,
Cue the outrage on both sides: is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” about date rape?
The answer, according to radio station Star 102 in Cleveland, is ... it may well be.
At the very least, the station argues, the call-and-response lyrics — “Say, what’s in this drink?” — are troubling in the #MeToo era.
The woman in the song keeps saying she needs to get home! But the man seems to think her no means yes! This sweet-talking predator is plying this vulnerable debutante with booze and alarmist weather forecasts to notch a carnal conquest that is non-consensual!
So, yeah, the holiday classic is now banned at Star 102.
Was this a noble decision that reflects the egalitarian virtues of our time?
Or more proof the politically correct, easily triggered snowflakes are coming for Christmas? No idea. But if we’re going to inspect holiday songs under a microscope that can retroactively detect creepy and disturbing, why stop with “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”?
Here are 10 other Christmas tunes worthy of a banning: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” In this uplifting ditty, a senior citizen with Alzheimer’s is the victim of a hitand-run by a marauding arctic deer. So this family let grandma out the door after she forgot to take her meds because she was sloshed on eggnog? Got it. The craziest part is they don’t care that grandma’s crumpled body was found with “hoofprints on her forehead.” Grandpa isn’t mourning; he’s too busy watching football and drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel. These lunatics are happy grandma is dead. They even thank Santa at the very end. “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”
Nothing conveys the spirit of the holidays better than a small child pleading with his alcoholic father to not get crap-faced and wipe out under the tree again. Even John Denver’s beautiful voice can’t mask the dark insinuation of domestic abuse. This song is to Christmas as a meat grinder is to veganism. “Santa Baby” Speaking of which, how is PETA not up in arms over this classic? In the very first line, the cooing woman demands a sable. When not blitzing Santa with euphemistic pillow talk — “trim my Christmas tree,” “fill my stocking with a duplex” — this slutty gold-digger is begging for convertibles and yachts. Christmas is about giving, but this lady of the night just wants to rob Santa blind. “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” I beg your pardon? He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake? You better watch out? You better not cry? Is this a Christmas song or a threat from Daesh? Children, behave and stop squabbling. Eat your vegetables. Obey. Be good. If not, this bearded, overweight stranger will invade the skies in his magical sled and climb into your bedroom after covertly spying on you for the past 364 days. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” The only thing more frightening than Kathy Bates in Misery is Mariah Carey getting into the holiday spirit by frolicking in the snow, hanging ornaments, slapping antlers on a dog and belting out the syncopated refrain of a psychopathic stalker. Mariah doesn’t want “a lot” for Christmas — JUST YOU. And if Santa doesn’t put your body under her tree — even after she gives him a lascivious lap dance — then gosh darn it, Mariah will commandeer the reindeer and hunt you down herself, warbling this soul-draining, AutoTuned treacle until the tears roll down your cheeks and you realize you will never, ever escape the rusty chains on her bed. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
So this kid creeps down the stairs and catches his mother making out with a man who is not his father. (If he thought it was Pops under that beard, he wouldn’t say, “I’m gonna tell my dad.”) Voyeurism, adultery, exhibitionism, shattered innocence — what kind of sicko wrote this? “Back Door Santa” The queasy subgenre of Horny Christmas Songs hit a new low when Bon Jovi paired demonic keyboards and screeching guitars with an alarming pub brag about how, as Santa, he breaks into houses to deliver “presents” that make “all the little girls happy.” Santa as a back-door sex offender with an insatiable appetite for juvenile flesh? Nighty-night, kids. “White Christmas” I’m willing to bet good money this song gets played all year long in Richard Spencer’s abode. “May your days be merry and bright/And may all your Christmases be white.” Come on. It’s 2018. There’s no way this song is about snow. “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year”
Do I need to explain why this one is problematic? “Jingle Bells” Have you ever listened to the full version of this song? Including the verse in which a mysterious “Miss Fanny Bright” joins the singer in his one-horse open sleigh? Things go sideways, quickly. The horse freaks and they are thrown into a snowbank. So, basically, this uptempo Christmas song is a meditation on dangerous driving and the passing of youth. It’s a paean to death. Those bells on bobtails? That’s the sound of the Grim Reaper inching closer each Christmas.