Florida Man makes us pray for civilization

It might be time for Florida to change its slogan from “The Sunshine State” to “Enter at Your Own Risk” or maybe “Where the Insanity Never Sleeps.”

Thanks to an internet challenge that went viral this week, Florida is again taking heat as a place where wild-eyed locals have sex with animals or assault strangers with pizza. There can be no doubt Florida, already home to such historical atrocities as a Ted Bundy murder spree and the election of Matt Gaetz, has a growing PR problem thanks to this wacky “Florida Man Challenge.”

Though the internet has produced many time-wasters in recent years — Mannequin Challenge, Cinnamon Challenge, Bird Box Challenge — this one is unique in that anyone who plays ends up with the same takeaway: Florida is bonkers.

Here’s how it works: You Google “Florida Man,” followed by the month and day of your birth. Then you read the first news story that pops up. Then you pray for civilization. For example, my birthday, Oct. 17, returned this headline: “Florida man with ‘half a head’ arrested on attempted murder, arson charges.”

What’s hilarious and disturbing is that any date works.

Florida Man is a freak 24/7, 365 days a year.

When 50 Cent input his birthday, the headline he shared with followers this week was, “Florida Man Says Organized, Aggressive Monkeys Swarming Property.” That’s not a story you’re likely to read when the dateline is Edmonton or Moncton.

In fact, when I played the Florida Man Challenge with other celebrity birthdays, I got “Squirrel Attacks Florida Man, Rodent Was Raised By Neighbour” for Miley Cyrus and “Florida Man’s Murder Was Really Elaborate Suicide By Balloon” for Priyanka Chopra. Brad Pitt: “Florida Man Tried To Pay For McDonald’s With Bag of Weed.”

(Somehow, that one kind of makes cosmic sense.)

But to behold the Florida Man Challenge is to wonder if the state should consider mandatory sterilization: “Florida Man Who Allegedly Threatened Family With Coldplay Lyrics Ends Standoff After SWAT Promises Him Pizza.” “Florida Man Arrested After Punching ATM For Giving Him Too Much Money.” “Florida Man Dressed As Fred Flintstone Pulled Over For Driving Footmobile.”

To tumble down the Florida Man rabbit hole is to puzzle over anatomical curiosities such as “Florida Man With No Arms Charged With Stabbing Chicago Tourist” and “Florida Man Denies Syringes Found Inside Rectum Are His.”

It is to question if Florida’s drinking water is contaminated with hallucinogens: “Florida Man Reportedly Dances On Police Car To Summon Help in Vampire Battle” and “Florida Man Who Had Sex With Dolphin Says It Seduced Him.”

There were so many animalrelated horrors, PETA should open a new office in Miami: “Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Alligator Through Drive-Thru Window.” “Florida Man Arrested After Witnesses Said He Practiced Karate On Swans.” “Florida Man Sets Raccoon on Fire For Eating His Mangoes.” “Florida Man Suffocated To Death After Having Sex With Pet Anaconda.”

And if you think Florida is getting a bad rap, try to replicate this level of loony tunes with any other place. Type “Toronto Man” and any birthday into Google and tell me if you see a story about how a local was run over by a lawn mower while trying to kill his son with a chainsaw.

There is no Regina Man or Vancouver Man Challenge that will churn out headlines such as “Florida Man Tries To Start Naked Fight Club At Chickfil-A” and “Florida Man Shoved Woman Because He Wanted To Eat Egg Rolls In Her House.”

Forget about a wall along the southern border. America needs to put a barricade around Florida. No wonder the state has so many problems on election day. Half the voters are probably eating their ballots, while the other half are trying to have sex with the box. Florida is not a swing state; it’s a batcrap crazy state.

The beautiful weather can’t mask the dangerous kookiness.

It’s a place where Florida Man needs to be rescued after trying to ride a hamster ball to the Bahamas. It’s where Florida Man finds a Second World War grenade, which he takes to Taco Bell. It’s where Florida Man plays hide-and-seek with a corpse and drives a Jet Ski on the street and goes on a liquor store rampage over a caterpillar.

But instead of laughing at the bizarre headlines that emerged this week, we should see all of them as a cautionary tale.

Florida Man is what happens when people fall through the cracks and lose sight of reality. Florida Man is what happens when substance and circumstance override impulse control. Florida Man is what happens when unhinged violence becomes a natural reaction and empathy becomes deeply unnatural.

Florida Man is what happens when society goes sideways.

No wonder Florida has problems on election day. Half the voters are probably eating their ballots