Destined to be alone forever?

Q: My first serious relationship was with my first sexual partner. Things turned sour after several months with him being VERY verbally and mentally abusive.

I left after being together for 18 months. For the next few months, he harassed and threatened me over the phone.

The next few years I spent single doing “friends with benefits” (FWB). I got into a relationship unintentionally in 2015, and the first year and a half were great!!! The sex was amazing and he treated me wonderfully. However, when I moved in, he got lazy, made excuses for everything, would insult me and, toward the end, he even called me “fat,” when I wasn’t.

I left him last April and ever since have felt like I’ll never find anyone. Both my exes told me my expectations are too high. All I want in a man is someone who busts his ass at work, makes good money ($60,000 a year), is handy with building and fixing things (including cars), has wit, humour, is honest and respectful.

I feel like I’m destined to be alone forever.

Little Hope Left

A: Your bad experience with your first relationship has affected your sense of relationships ever since.

Yet, after going through your wish list, I’m wondering what do you bring to the table? Are you, similarly, all that a man could wish for regarding your earnings, skills, personality, adaptability, understanding?

You may not think you’re asking for too much, but your score card ignores who someone is in terms of character, decency, ideals, hopes, etc.

You appear to seek a physical partner more than a soul-mate. So you get turned on in the early dating, then check off practical matters. You don’t focus on the depth or lack of your emotional connection.

If you hope to have a longterm relationship with a loving partner, getting personal counselling can help.

Poor experiences with relationships can be overcome by getting a better handle on who you are and how to appreciate who others are. Or, recognize early on who’s not for you. Q: I live with my partner and her two teenage children.

Her mother’s death fractured their fragile family dynamic. Then her sister excluded my partner at Christmas. She’s spiteful and hurts those around her. Her father talks about caring for his daughter, but does little to support her.

My partner’s written both off, and hasn’t seen them in over a year.

Her children have also rejected their grandfather and aunt in support of their mother. I cannot suggest forgiving and repairing the relationship without causing upset.

Currently, we have a peace which avoids all family contact. Should I try to find a way to help them repair the damage done? My own recently-deceased mother was separated from her sister for 30 years and her dying regret was she never reconciled with my aunt whom I’ve also not seen in that time.

Regretfully, Déjà Vu

A: You can’t resolve your partner’s family problem if she’s against it. You can recommend how she can help her children and herself through this situation. They can talk out the family breakdown and past dynamics with a professional therapist.

Not all families can reconcile. Each member responds to a parent’s death, issues, past inequities (or such perceptions) differently. Accepting that reality means seeing others’ reactions not as their rejection of you, but their own problem. Ellie’s tip of the day

A healthy emotional connection is essential for a long-term relationship.

Ellie is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: