I fell in love with a jailbird

Q: When I was 19, I pointed at a smiling guy two pubbooths over and told my friend, “He’s 100 per cent my exact physical type.”

I walked over, sat down across from him and introduced myself.

Never before had I slept with a new guy the first night that I met him. But I couldn’t help how physically attracted we both were.

Best night of my life, too, even speaking 14 years later. Love at first sight. The more we talked and hung out that night, the happier my heart.

But he was still living with his ex-girlfriend, mother to his 3-year-old.

I played hard to get, not trusting a first night thing. So, he stayed with his babymom and saw me on the side.

He was five years older. I was renting a whole house from my family, living it up on the bar scene. He said he knew that I loved him and that I was a good girl and deserved a really committed boyfriend. But he knew he could call or show up whenever and wherever, and that I’d love it. We remained “friends” over a decade. He had two more babies, one with his first daughter’s mom and one with another woman, and he got married to another. He also spent a few years in jail where I’d write, visit and he’d call consistently.

His wife was a kind person, madly in love with him. He loved her too. We both didn’t want to cheat on her. When she suddenly died, we got even closer. Then he was in jail again. After he was released, he lived with the mother of baby No. 3.

We didn’t speak for over a year. Finally, things felt correct. We still loved each other.

But three months later he’s back in jail, not convicted until three years later, then not sentenced for over a year. How could I walk away from the love of my life?

Once in the penitentiary, he starts drifting away, picks fights with me, stops calling and writing back. I was heartbroken. Turns out that he met somebody so great that he just tossed me aside. He’s only got one more year inside, but I haven’t heard from him in five months.

I’ve never loved anyone else, but now I want to love someone. How do I explain my story, that I don’t have any real relationship experience and haven’t physically been with a man in over seven years?

I’m 33 and most likely won’t get married or have children. I need to get over this so that I can socialize, get a support system and have a happy life. Still Heartbroken

A: Your love affair was profound due to more than the instant attraction. It became a romantic obsession, for both of you. You were young, living an unrestrained lifestyle, with apparently little family guidance. He was older, in and out of relationships and jail, yet you both clung to a fantasy of pure love.

Nothing in that dream ever really pointed to a future.

At 33, you’ve awakened to a hopeful reality. There’s every possibility of having a happy life if you put your “story” in the past. You don’t have to hide it, nor keep reliving it.

Counselling can help you, so can socializing, if you don’t rush into new relationships. Build supports through trusted family and friends. You’re loyal and loving plus wiser now, so have confidence that there is a future for you. Ellie’s tip of the day Past relationships needn’t define you. They can make you wiser, more selective, and more ready for a happy future.

There’s every possibility of having a happy life if you put your “story” in the past