Is he toxic or just boring?
Q: My boyfriend (50) and I (54) have been dating for little over a year. When we first met, we saw each other three to four times weekly and communicated via text or phone call. We live apart.
In the past six months, we’re spending less and less time together and barely communicate. Or, we end up in an argument without substance, which he blames me for starting.
I then apologize just to make peace. The relationship’s become extremely draining and sometimes feels toxic. I care for him very much, he’s a good guy, but just wants to spend time with his friends, stay home watching TVor sleeping. He claims he has no energy to do anything because he’s “old.” He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he doesn’t like holding hands, isn’t affectionate and our sex is routine.
His response to these issues is always, “here we go again,” which is dismissive and lacks respect for my feelings.
Should I go or should I stay? Is there more to this than what I’m seeing? Confused A: There’s nothing confusing here, you’re just avoiding accepting the inevitable. The relationship had its best run for a year and has settled into the reality of a mismatch.
He’s not going to change. Instead of being “old,” he’s just living like he’s single, not responding to you as a partner, not even in bed.
When you apologize (for nothing) to keep peace, you just demean yourself and give him licence to ignore your feelings and needs.
However, since you still care for him, you could try to explore why he’s so lacking in energy and interests beyond his pals, TV and bed.
Could you both be missing that he’s actually depressed, or does he possibly have some private problems he’s keeping from you?
I suggest you raise the questions, even as I suspect it’ll only cause him to be dismissive and annoyed with you.
If so, then face what appears to be the major issue here: When a relationship is feeling toxic, it’s time to end it.
He has spent six months showing you that he’s not worth your living with selfdoubts, hurt feelings and frustration. Feedback regarding the “Unappreciated” woman who had been abused by her previous partner (Aug. 17): Reader: “When seeking advice regarding her current partner, you say she shouldn’t let her ‘long ago experience with abuse determine your reaction.’
“But there appears to be clear/classic red flags for potential abuse in her current relationship.
“Someone who’s experienced an abusive relationship cannot simply forget those experiences afterwards. “They may help her better identify abuse in future relationships. Her instincts might keep her safe or help her leave her current partner sooner if his actions escalate.”
Ellie: Her new husband, older and without kids, got angry when her child misbehaved. But he apologizes and “takes good care of us.”
On the death anniversary of his wife of 32 years, he paid respects at her grave, then was ashamed that he forgot their first anniversary and bought her flowers.
I stand by my reading of her letter that he was not abusive.
I do understand that her past physical and mental abuse from her high school classmate has left her with a memory of trauma.
But I felt it was encouraging advice, not “dismissive” as you suggested to me in your longer letter, to tell her to not let long-ago abuse determine her reaction to what appears to be very different behaviour. Ellie’s tip of the day
A relationship winding down to the end of its run reveals a clear message: Time to move on.
Face what appears to be the major issue here: When a relationship is feeling toxic, it’s time to end it.