Hey Trump haters, let’s broaden our vocabulary
The other day, I was shopping for a card when I stumbled upon one that read: “TRUMP IS A LYIN’ BITCH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Huh? Who would want such a reminder? Aside from maybe Melania, I’m stumped. But it reminded me of a T-shirt I recently spotted in Niagara Falls: “Trump Is An Evil Bitch.”
If you’ve pounded back a shot of tequila every time Bill Maher has called Trump a “whiny little bitch,” you should probably add your name to a wait list for liver transplants. It’s nuts. At this point, actual bitches must be feeling left out.
Donald J. Trump is now the biggest bitch in the universe. He’s hogging the bitch spotlight. But if celebrities are going to keep riding this train into Bitchville, they will need to get more creative. Otherwise, this preferred slur du jour will get old fast. And here, I direct the Trumphaters in Hollywood to a blog entry from the master trolls at MerriamWebster: “Rare and Amusing Insults.”
The link was reposted a few days ago, when Trump was in the midst of “#SharpieGate,” or what Bette Midler might describe as, “that time the bitchin-chief doodled on a hurricane map to avoid looking like he goofed up.”
To make a point, Merriam-Webster simply posted an unusual word and definition: “A ‘mumpsimus’ is a stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that it is wrong.”
And the great news for anti-Trump celebrities is there are other words in this enchanting blog that can modify “bitch” to create original insults should they find themselves in a spat with the leader of the free world.
So I will now close with five examples of how celebrities can weaponize this arcana:
1. Cockalorum: “a boastful and selfimportant person; a strutting little fellow.” Used Against Trump: “Oh yeah, Mr. President? Well, at least I’m not a cockalorum little bitch with mirrored pillow cases so I can watch myself fall asleep.” 2. Pettifogger: “shyster” Used Against Trump: “Your approval rating is in the toilet and Fox News is turning against you. How much longer until Sean Hannity realizes he was in cahoots with a toxic pettifogger bitch this whole time?”
3. Ninnyhammer: “ninny; simpleton, fool” Used Against Trump: “When is the last time you read a book? And the back of a Count Chocula box is not a book, you mouth-breathing, society-dividing, giant ninnyhammer bitch of a misery factory.
4. Pillock: “a very stupid or foolish person” Used Against Trump: “Only an absolute bitchy pillock could think a global trade war is easy to win. Go get your mortician Stephen Miller to come gently brush your hair so as not to damage the orange skull glue.”
5. Smellfungus: “an excessively faultfinding person”
Used Against Trump: “Hey, bitch-ass smellfungus, stop blaming the media for your failures. That’s like blaming the tailor instead of the Big Macs. Or the putter instead of your golf game.” So there you have it, Hollywood. Now get out there and up your bitch game.