STAYING CONNECTED
How to communicate with your teens during critical high school years.
Mustafa started high school last week, and my stress dreams haven’t stopped. Usually I only have anxious school dreams about myself. Every teacher gets them in the leadup to a new school year: in my dreams, I’ve been assigned a random class to teach last minute or my students are running riot or I’m the one taking an exam.
This year, all my school anxiety dreams featured Mustafa and all the things that might go wrong in high school.
In some ways, being a high school teacher means I know too much. This comes in handy when advising my son about how quickly each semester will fly by, what courses to take and how to plan for multiple subjects. It’s not so great when paired with my overactive imagination and the personal anecdotes I’ve accumulated over 15 years of teaching.
He had no stress dreams, of course; the naive rarely do.
I know I’m not alone in my anxiety. At the Grade 9 parent orientation session, the couple next to me and my husband reiterated our own concerns — they wanted to make sure their twin daughters found positive influences. One of the friendly teachers leading the orientation said that the transition to Grade 9 was in some ways the biggest one students experience, even more so than the transition to post-secondary life.
I’m sure he meant to be comforting.
I’m a high school teacher; this should be easy for me, in some ways even easier than navigating the elementary system. Yet when it’s your own kid venturing off, it feels daunting. What if people are mean to him? What if he doesn’t find his place in school? What if he feels down and sad and doesn’t know to reach out for help?
Have I done enough to get him to this point?
I asked Dr. Yusra Ahmad, psychiatrist and clinical lecturer at the University of Toronto who works with young adults, for tips on how to communicate with teens during these critical years.
“If the teen sees that parents talk to each other and express their emotions in a healthy way and that problems can be worked through, then that creates a safe environment for kids to open up,” she said.
When I asked when a parent should worry about a teen’s silence, she acknowledged that it was a difficult question to answer. But she said to look for other signs that suggest an underlying mental illness, such as isolating themselves, not eating, withdrawing, not being reactive or expressive and slipping grades.
“If there is a drastic change in how they’re doing, if they no longer want to participate in extra curricular (activities) or see their friends. If that is the case, professional help may be necessary,” Ahmad said.
“The first thing would be to try to speak to the teen to try to understand what’s going on,” she said.
“I would want the teen to be fully engaged in the process as much as possible so you’re not doing things behind their back, though in some cases that has to happen.
“I would encourage the young person, if they don’t feel comfortable sharing with mom or dad, seek out counselling in school.”
Mustafa is quieter, but he still talks to me and my husband, bickers with his younger brother Ibrahim, engages with friends, and enjoys his usual hobbies and interests.
To best support teens in the high school years, Ahmad advises creating an open and trusting relationship between parent and child and acknowledges that comes with time.
“In those years, teens tend to start to come into their own and withdraw more from parents and want to hang out with friends. If you consistently communicate the message that you are there, love them no matter what, that you value them, mistakes and all, and that you won’t judge them, it’s really powerful.”
Ahmad cautions not to withdraw affection from kids if they fail or have not done well.
“If parents make it known, ‘You will never be a disappointment,’ that’s all a kid wants to hear. And that’s what the kids I’ve worked with weren’t hearing.”
This morning, I reminded Mustafa to be careful of his valuables in the gym change room.
“Make sure you lock up your phone and shoes,” I warned. What I really wanted to say was, “With every passing day, you’re growing up and growing away, and I can’t be there to make it all better. Promise me you’ll make good decisions and take care of yourself.”
Instead I told him I loved him, and that I would see him after school.
As hard as it is to let go, it’s also part of my job right now. Just so long as he knows my husband and I are right here when he needs us.
As hard as it is to let go, it’s also part of my job right now. Just so long as he knows my husband and I are right here when he needs us