How parents can deal with school discipline issues
Accepting that a child will make mistakes is important for growth
When I was a child, a call home from a teacher would bring additional consequences from my parents, because they were on the same team: mine. They all cared enough to take seriously both my potential and their responsibility to help me learn and grow. This is an area where schools and parents should be allies — for the child’s sake.
Yet while they are critical to student growth, conversations around school discipline are challenging. They can be fraught with enormous emotion. The challenge is real and significant, whether one’s child is the one being disciplined, or a parent feels another person’s child needs to be disciplined.
These days, it seems most parents like the idea of firm discipline, or they support it for other people’s children. But when a teacher or administrator calls about a problem with their own children, they may respond with less enthusiasm.
As a father and a teacher, I am often surprised by some parents’ reluctance for their child to be corrected, even mildly. It’s as if the idea that their child may need correction or discipline bothers them. I get that.
But being corrected or disciplined can have significant benefits. Teachers are another pair of eyes, helping prevent blind spots. Of course, I’m not suggesting parents should simply accept without question that something is wrong every time a teacher raises an issue.
If parents want schools to educate kids and help them grow into productive adults, though, that means supporting their efforts.
Parents often evaluate a child’s mistakes based on intentions, not actions. Sometimes we can’t imagine they are capable of negative things. We can also be quick to jump to conclusions about other people’s kids, or assign blame without hearing all sides of a story.
None of this is healthy for children. Uncorrected mistakes grow bigger with time — and so do the consequences. That’s why it’s important for parents to acknowledge and correct issues when they come up.
Here are some things for parents to consider when interacting with schools about discipline. It’s worth noting there will always be extreme situations, such as bullying, that require urgent intervention. Disparities in discipline due to race also need to be addressed in a different way, and immediately.
Your child will make mistakes: Kids are, by definition, immature. They’ll misbehave and make mistakes — sometimes big ones. It’s to be expected and it’s part of adolescence.
Don’t assume your child will live your values: Kids haven’t had the same life experience or practise that adults have. And adolescents often push the boundaries, rebel or say things to be provocative. They also may pick up ideas and words and use them without fully understanding the implications. Separate yourself from your child’s misbehaviour.
Respond first to your child’s misbehaviour: If you find yourself saying, “He shouldn’t have done x, but …,” stop at the “but.” Go back and fix the first part.
Look at the long term: Bad behaviour that is not corrected will grow, haunting children as they get older. I am always surprised by the number of parents who prefer a child’s immediate comfort to teaching, challenging, correcting or disciplining them. Unless discipline is unfair or abusive, it will probably have a positive impact.
Communicate calmly: If you must disagree or advocate for your child, be careful with inflammatory, sarcastic or caustic remarks, and avoid broad generalizations. It will seldom get you what you want, and it may even endanger it.
Don’t gossip or label: It’s remarkable how quickly adults can give a child a label. This is one reason parents sometimes refuse to acknowledge their child’s misbehaviour; other adults can be unforgiving.
Use verbs and adjectives, not nouns: Focus on behaviour. If you must report another child’s misbehaviour, focus on the child’s actions. “He shoved her in the hall,” or “She spread rumours on social media.” Don’t use terms that label a child.
Be open-minded about consequences: Often parents want someone disciplined in the same ways that were used when they were kids. But best practices for discipline today look different than they used to. Most schools work on trying to help create changes in behaviour as opposed to imposing penalties.