Happily, ever open
Study shows people are becoming more curious about non-monogamy
Daley South had six bridesmaids in her 2016 wedding to Logan South; one of them was her husband’s girlfriend.
The Souths are in an open and polyamorous relationship and have been since they started dating seven years ago. “We were actually all dating at first,” Daley South said of her bridesmaid, Ilona Westenra. “I really enjoyed having her be a part of our big day.”
There weren’t any rules about how Logan South should interact with his girlfriend during the wedding. All of their guests knew about their relationship status (although their parents weren’t completely on board) and Daley South was perfectly fine with them spending time together during the event in Austin, Texas.
“As long as he and I were the main focus for that one big day, I was perfectly content,” Daley South, 31, said. So, Logan South, 32, did kiss his girlfriend a few times, but said he spent “the entire night by my new wife’s side.”
People are becoming more curious about consensual nonmonogamy. A 2015 study from the Journal of Sex Research found that searches for terms related to polyamorous, nonmonogamous and open relationships have been rising steadily for the past decade. But questions remain: Will the couple stay open after the wedding? What is a wedding like when the couple is non-monogamous? Are other partners invited or involved? What are the vows like? Actually, the most common question the Souths got was: “What’s the point of the wedding?”
Sarah Fraser, a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in New York City, specializes in unconventional partnerships and sexuality. She has heard from several patients that outsiders who have expressed “being non-monogamous might be acceptable before a couple gets married.” They felt those outsiders expected them to “close their relationship after marriage because then the relationship is more ‘serious.’ ”
The groom’s girlfriend, Westenra, said through an email: “Being in a relationship with the groom obviously offered some awkwardness but the love far outweighed any uncomfortability. Seeing my boyfriend marry the love of his life was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt. The love in that room was so overwhelming I couldn’t feel anything but pure love and happiness for the two of them and in extension, myself, because I get to be a part of this wonderful family.”
People who choose to be in non-monogamous relationships are often perceived as anti-commitment, said Cathy Keen, 39, the community manager of alternative dating app Feeld and who is one-third of her relationship. But that’s just wrong, said Keen, who was also asked “what the point was” when she married her non-monogamous partner. “The thing I think a lot of people presume about a relationship that’s not traditional, monogamous or heteronormative is that commitment is not valued. It’s based upon sex and being able to move quickly, and that’s just wrong,” she said.
Keen believes it takes a certain person to make an open relationship work and “not a neurotic person or a paranoid person.”
“All three of us are very, very comfortable in our own skin,” she said of herself, her husband and their girlfriend. “That makes you a much better participant in this kind of relationship. Because you’re not relying on anyone else to give you stability. You’re relying on yourself.”