Proof Mariah is an unhinged stalker
Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” earned three Guinness World Records this week and, incredibly, not one is for Most Streamed Holiday Song In The Flaming Bowels of Hell.
I get that music is subjective, Christmas music especially so. Maybe you enjoy sipping eggnog and blasting the Trans-Siberian Orchestra? Maybe you’re partial to ’80s seasonal classics, you know, a “2,000 Miles,” maybe a “Last Christmas,” a dose of nostalgia via
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
Fine. Good. But can we objectively agree “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is exactly what Satan would play on a loop when scoring a soundtrack to eternal damnation? Can we objectively accept that Mariah must have made a deal with the Devil in which she got cluelessness and agelessness in exchange for a hot mess of a yuletide catastrophe that has triggered more December nervous breakdowns than John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas),” Bon Jovi’s “Back Door Santa” and Tiny Tim’s “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year” combined?
I recall once wobbling in a horrific line at a Toys “R” Us on Christmas Eve, already stressed, when Mariah’s voice crackled to apocalyptic life on the tinny speakers: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas/ There is just one thing I need …”
Is that right, Mariah? Because after that intro — with the staccato orchestral blasts, the drama-queen pauses, the
absurd vocal runs that somehow make the word “is” stretch out longer than “incomprehensibilities” — I, too, just need one thing. A flame-thrower to burn off my ears. And that was even before this “song” kicked into gear, with its sadistic jingle bells and manic piano chords and waytoo-fast time signature. If this “song” were a snack, it would give you E. coli in less than 30 seconds. If it were a car, it would explode in a mushroom cloud of treacle and obliterate all human hearing within a five-kilometre radius.
This “song” came out in 1994. Jeff Bezos started Amazon a year later. Do you know why? He heard this “song” and had an epiphany: if consumers could avoid this sonic assault at the mall, “online shopping” was a billiondollar idea.
So Amazon now rules the world thanks entirely to Mariah Carey. People, this is 100 per cent factually accurate. Ask Bezos. Just don’t mention my name.
And have you ever really thought about the lyrics? You know, Mariah warbling, “I just want you for my own.” Or, “Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?” Or the ominous, “Standing right outside my door.”
This isn’t a “song” — it is proof Mariah is an unhinged stalker.
All she wants for Christmas is ... YOU! Come on, Santa! Break out the handcuffs and ball gag and let’s wrap up this poor bastard and stick him under my tree as I belt out the rest of my “song” — “Make my wish come true/ Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you” — as he gasps for breath while desperately weeping into the box!
I don’t even know why Mariah bothers to sing this “song.”
She should just travel around the world and slap random strangers in the face.
That’s what this “song” is — a globally unifying slap in the face. But, clearly, I’m in the minority here. Apparently, much of the world loves
“All I Want For Christmas Is You.”
According to the celebrity suck-ups at Guinness, this “song” set “historic holiday record titles,” including “Highest-Charting Holiday (Christmas/New Year) Song On The Billboard U.S. Hot 100 By a Solo Artist,” “Most Weeks In The U.K. Singles Top 10 Chart For A Christmas Song” and “Most Streamed Track On Spotify in 24 Hours.”
Last December, this “song” was streamed 10,819,009 times.
How is this possible? Is the U.S. military on Spotify and using “All I Want For Christmas Is You” to break the spirits of terrorists? Did this “song” influence Brexit? All I know is Mariah is now on a “All I Want For Christmas Is You” holiday concert tour — tour! Yes. She turned this appalling tune into an enterprise.
That’s like creating a standup festival around a knock-knock joke.
Consider this terrifying line from the Guinness press release: “The popular holiday anthem continues to resonate with audiences across the globe as it rises to the top of the charts every year since its debut exactly 25 years ago.”
This “song” is charting every year? Is that like looking out the window on Black Friday and seeing maniacs line up for asbestos?
I don’t get it. All I hear when this “song” sucker-punches me in public is grounds for suicide under the mistletoe. I’d seriously rather roast my chestnuts over an open fire, if you know what I’m saying, than hear Mariah get in the holiday spirit.
Three Guinness World Records for this dreck? What’s next? Are award shows or literary judges going to start praising “Showgirls” or “Eye of Argon”? Will the Michelin snobs give stars to KFC? If this “song” is the greatest Christmas tune ever, then I’d very much like for my Honda CR-V to be designated an Italian supercar.
This is not a Christmas “song” — it’s first-degree murder of all that is good.
All I want for Christmas is for Mariah Carey to stop ruining Christmas.