Husband’s approach affecting my health
Q: I’m so frustrated with my husband of almost 15 years. What I find most difficult is our domestic incompatibility, because almost everything we do, we do differently.
I don’t understand doing things “half-assed.” I was brought up with an attitude of, “If you’re going to do things, do them right.”
My husband doesn’t realize all the work he creates for me. Whatever he does, it’s not actually done and he doesn’t see it.
I need to see things differently so I can accept our differences. It’s been an ongoing struggle and I’m very stressed out. I’m concerned about the wear and tear on my health and what’ll happen to my health if I don’t learn to deal with our differences.
I’ve begun to think we should live apart and just be friends, if that would be possible. Seeking your thoughts.
A: There’s only one positive thought here, halfway through your letter:
“I need to see things differently so I can accept our differences.”
That statement — only if you mean it! — is the essence of all relationships.
Yes, you grew up with the “do it right” attitude. But you married a guy who grew up with something else — maybe even “life’s too short so don’t knock yourself out.”
Had you both been raised exactly the same way, you might never have been attracted to each other.
Or, you’d both be consumed with tasks and no fun.
You need to try accepting him as he is, and he the same with you. It’s the adjustment process almost all couples face.
But if you’re emotionally more attached in most instances, to your way of doing things, the wear and tear on your health is coming from within yourself.
It’s very hard on yourself to always do things perfectly (in your opinion), and just as hard for him to live with a driving perfectionist.
However, you do have choices, and I’m not talking about living apart as “friends.” Unlikely.
You can work on yourself by choosing to let go of some tasks in exchange for having some good times together.
You can get counselling to learn why not having things done your way makes you feel so stressed (don’t be surprised if fear of “failing” comes into the discussion).
My point is the one you made yourself: You need to try harder to accept the differences between you two.
Q: My wife cheated on me, but I still love her and want things to work out between us. But she’s too proud to accept my love.
A: It’s not that simple. Even though your love for her remains steadfast, it doesn’t provide an easy solution for her. You may not even know why she cheated, and maybe neither does she. A foolish mistake? A passing fling? She still has to answer to herself and you as to why.
But if it’s because of something lacking or disturbing her within your relationship, she must speak up before you two can work on it.
You say she’s “proud.” I say she’s afraid of whatever the truth is in this situation. Because of your love for her, give her some time to face the necessity of explaining herself.
If she can’t/won’t do it, tell her you may still love her, but you won’t sit on the sidelines of your marriage for long. A break of a few months should help clarify whether there’s a future for you together. Ellie’s tip of the day
Since opposites often attract, it’s almost inevitable that many couples have to learn to accept the reality of each other’s differences.
Not My Way
Worried Husband Had you both been raised exactly the same way, you might never have been attracted to each other