My neighbour used me to cover up his affair

Q: I’m very upset that my married friend/neighbour used my name to lie to his wife about his affair.

I learned that he’d told his wife that I’d been present when he was “out with the guys.” She commented to me about it a few days later and she’d asked about the restaurant’s food.

I called my friend at his work and he tried to brush it off, then confessed the affair when I persisted.

I like his wife a lot and she’s expecting their first child. His deceit sickens me.

But if I tell his wife, she may leave him and have to raise her child on her own. Or she’ll stay, never trusting him again. How do I end the friendship with him without her asking me why?

Speak Up?

A: Periodically, this dilemma reappears in the column: Do you OUT a cheater? Interestingly, whatever my answer, readers’ feedbacks will include all of the above choices.

Another, however, is to tell this guy that, if he doesn’t end the affair and work on his marriage, you’ll tell his wife that he was not with you but out with another woman.

Not your business? Here’s what I’ve heard from those who matter most — the people cheated on:

They write of feeling betrayed, not only by the cheater, but by those who said nothing.

A typical example: “If I’d known, yes, it would’ve still devastated me at first, but since I had to leave and start over again, it would’ve been easier if I had support from my two closest friends.

“When I learned that they’d known about it and said nothing, I couldn’t be friends anymore.”

Or the man who only discovered the lies two years after his partner’s affair had begun with a co-worker where the couple both worked. He was so angry at the other co-workers who knew about it and stayed silent that he quit his job.

Adding this choice doesn’t make your decision a lot easier, I know. If you tell this man’s wife that he’s a cheater, she may disbelieve you and end the friendship.

BUT, you would’ve given her the dignity of a chance to decide what’s right for her, not what’s best for you. She may even eventually thank you. Or not. Now, choose your response, soon.

FEEDBACK regarding your answer to the woman, 45, worrying about her partner, 41, saying that their youthful image may be affected if she stops dying her hair blonde (Jan. 3): Reader: “I say DUMP the loser!! If he’s so concerned about her hair colour, then he’s not worth the time or effort.”

Signed Naturally Grey and Beautiful

Ellie: Thanks for adding this perspective!

Having dyed her greying hair since age 30, the letter-writer stated: “I’m facing a decision that I’m not sure I can handle in my relationship or my own mind.”

I focused on her relationship with herself and suggested talking to a therapist about reassessing her self-described identity as a “Blonde Bombshell.”

But you rightly also focused on the flaw in her relationship with this man for whom a hair colour could change his feelings toward her. I now say, naturally grey and no longer “itchy” from the dye, is far better than living with a jerk! Ellie’s tip of the day Don’t let a cheater use you to cover his/her lies.