Ryan Stirling: ‘Tired of being the evil in everybody’s story’
It was a cold day in November when Ryan Stirling woke up in a Calgary hospital bed and knew in his heart he was done with drugs.
Speaking about three months later, Stirling rarely stops moving — he speaks with his hands, shifts in his seat and taps his knee. But when talking about his recovery he goes still, clasps his hands in front of him and leans forward.
“You just wake up and you see a light. It’s something that you have to experience to understand,” Stirling said. “I was just tired of being the evil in everybody’s story.”
That morning was his ninth overdose in three months. He remembers being downtown, then nothing until waking up in the hospital, where doctors told him he was unresponsive when he arrived. That afternoon, he headed to his 11th stay in treatment for addiction.
But Stirling, 38, is determined that this time will be different and has turned the “hustle” he used on the streets, selling drugs and in and out of housing, to getting back on track.
Since then, he’s gone through detox and found a new place to live with his partner. Twice a day, he puts 18 Suboxone tablets under his tongue — he said they “taste like lemon pledge smells” — to control the cravings.
Originally from Winnipeg, Stirling got into drugs as a young teen. He remembers a time when he played hockey and liked video games, but said his addiction stole even that.
“I went from being a drug dealer, to being my own best customer, to being an absolute junkie.”
He left Winnipeg for Calgary over a decade ago. It was an ultimately unsuccessful attempt to outrun addiction for good.
His first relapse was triggered by his mother’s death. One time, he stayed clean for five years.
He began using Calgary’s supervised consumption site at the Sheldon Chumir Health Centre in 2017. Unable to quit entirely, he wanted to at least consume safely. A friend tried to help him inject, but missed the vein a couple of times. So staff at the site talked Stirling through it.
“It saved my life,” he said. “I knew that if I was going to use drugs that there would be someone there to see I didn’t die.”
More than that, he said, they treated him like a person when he stopped by every couple of weeks.
“You know when someone feels safe they open up a little bit more? I just, I felt that I was like a little bit taller than I was before, you know?” he said. “You don’t feel the love on the streets.”
Now, he wants to give that love back, and recently started classes to become an addiction services and community health representative. He hopes to go back to detox — this time, as an employee.
“Somebody has a plan for me so I’m going to start listening to it,” he said. “My mom has got to be up there, trying to kick me in the pants … I’ve got a shot now at life.”