Dating can be challenging for non-drinkers
How one sober millenial deals with date scene without alcohol
There is something undeniably romantic about a bar: dim lighting, intimate seating encouraging you to get close and a glass of liquid courage helping your pre-date jitters melt away.
It’s no surprise that going out for drinks is one of the most common activities suggested on dating apps. “If you love whiskey as much as I do, swipe right,” “Just looking for someone to get wine drunk with,” “Wanna grab drinks?”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen these messages pop up as I do my regular Saturday night swiping. But as someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, it’s not easy to navigate a modern dating world synonymous with drinking culture.
Of course, alcohol and dating are longtime lovers.
“Drinking lowers inhibitions, so when there are situations of high anxiety — whether it’s social anxiety or other feelings of inadequacy — drinking can put us at ease chemically,” says Annina Schmid, a counsellor in Toronto who specializes in binge drinking and drug use, as well as eating disorders. “We drink in order to make ourselves feel comfortable.”
As an anxious person, being sober — and in control of my body — brings me comfort. In my 23 years, I’ve tried a few sips of champagne and white wine but always felt immediately nauseous. I thought university was the toughest time to avoid alcohol, with the peer pressure and the constant partying, but entering the online dating world has brought an even bigger challenge: finding a partner who respects my sobriety.
It turns out, I’m not the only one whose vision of modern dating doesn’t involve a drink or three. In a recent survey by the dating app Bumble Canada, which is used by four million Canadians, 67 per cent of users said they would be interested in sober dating.
That fits with the growing “sober curious” movement: More people are becoming mindful about their drinking habits and reducing their intake or cutting back altogether — witness Dry January and Sober October.
But that doesn’t mean most dating app users are sober. Your status is right there in your profile: On Bumble, 75 per cent identify as social drinkers, 3.4 per cent as frequent drinkers and 5 per cent as non-drinkers.
When I see that someone has checked that they drink “frequently” on their dating profile, it’s a turn-off; I automatically swipe left. No doubt, drinkers are swiping left on us nondrinkers, too.
“It’s narrowed the amount of potential suitors down considerably,” one man who identifies as a non-drinker on the app told me. “More often than not, those people seem to find it off-putting that I don’t drink.”
A recovering addict, he described alcohol as “the social lubricant of the times” and said he’s found it difficult to find a partner who only has a drink here or there.
Another man I spoke with, an athlete who doesn’t drink, has had a very different experience. “Nobody has ever been shocked when I mention I don’t drink,” he said, adding that his sobriety hasn’t affected his dating experience at all.
Whether you drink or not, there’s no denying the sexiness of meeting someone new at a bar. Whenever I fantasized about my life as a single 20something, I envisioned myself in “Sex and the City,” sipping on a cosmo with my girlfriends before meeting up with my hot date in a buzzing New York City cocktail bar.
“It’s narrowed the amount of potential suitors down considerably.”
A NON-DRINKER ON USING BUMBLE DATING APP
“We romanticize having drinks on dates because we see it depicted as glamorous, romantic and very chic in a lot of our cultural outlets,” says Dr. Natasha Sharma, a Torontobased relationship expert and author of “The Kindness Journal.”
In recent years, bar culture has risen to the challenge of catering to those who love the vibe but don’t want to drink the alcohol. Montreal’s new Mindful Bar is completely non-alcoholic, while Pretty Ugly Bar in Toronto is one of many bars offering crafted mocktails — here dubbed “placebo cocktails” — that look and taste (almost) like the real thing.
As well, brands like Seedlip and Big Drop Brewing Co. are reimaginin g non-alcoholic drinks. Seedlip’s Grove 42 alcohol-free spirit has a complex flavour profile of citrus and spices — add tonic water and orange peel and you’ve got a pretty-close G&T.
Mocktail options aside, it’s still challenging to date in a world where drinking is the norm. Before going on a date, I like to let the person know I’m sober as soon as possible so it’s not a surprise — even though it’s on my profile, sometimes they don’t notice. How they react tells me everything I need to know. (Some have asked why and tried to pry into my past, which feels a bit intrusive if we haven’t met yet.)
Since I’ve never used alcohol to calm my nerves, I try to embrace the pre-date jitters as butterflies. And when it comes to making plans, I’ll suggest going for coffee or an activity, like hitting up a board game café.
If you do decide to meet someone at a bar, pay attention to how you feel and use that as part of the dating elimination process. If a date is drinking past your personal comfort zone, ask yourself, “Why am I wasting my time with you when you’re not fully present with me?” says Schmid. “You don’t have to make yourself fit into any mould or adapt your behaviour to please people.”
Last month, for the first time, I decided to go to a bar for a date with a guy I’d met on Bumble. He was a self-proclaimed cocktail connoisseur, so I was apprehensive, but I had told him I was sober when he suggested going for drinks.
When I arrived, he told me he had already asked the bartender if they could make a mocktail — I sipped on one that tasted like an adult lemonade and another that had notes of lavender. He had two Old Fashioneds and stopped drinking when I stopped.
He was fully present the whole time, holding eye contact with me and casually touching my leg while we exchanged stories about our most embarrassing dates. Even though we never went on a second date — he ghosted me shortly after; a dating complaint for another time — if all men respected my sobriety the way he did, I would go for “drinks” again in a heartbeat. But being there also helped me realize I don’t need the seductive atmosphere of a bar to feel sparks with my future partner.
“Any time two people are spending together where they feel connected is an opportunity for romance,” says Sharma. And that can happen just about anywhere. THE KIT Your Canadian destination for the best of women’s health and lifestyle. Visit thekit.ca/signup-now for daily updates