How do I protect grieving friend from insensitivity?

Q: My best friend’s husband died at 49. His condition had been diagnosed two years before, and his doctors told him and his family that he’d likely not make it to age 50. My friend is a brave, outgoing woman who keeps strong by being involved with her two grown children, and her husband’s parents and siblings who miss him as much as she does.

She’s also a very caring friend who helps any of us who needs it, to the best of her ability. What bothers me hugely is when people she’s just met recently learn she’s a young widow and ask “What did your husband die from?”

She’s polite enough to answer and then these “strangers” inevitably start telling her what illnesses they or their family have.

I even heard someone say to her, “Well, he should’ve gone to Dr. (X) who’s the only real expert in that disease.”

She cried with me in the car all the way home after that.

I’ve heard such insensitive questions and comments from her latest neighbours, and from someone at the community centre where she goes to swim — the one activity that gives her peace of mind. How can I help her handle nosy questions that just make her feel more grief?

Friend From Forever

A: Grief is an educator, and those who experience it often learn to cope with situations they never knew before.

Your friend is strong and helps others. That’s who she is by nature and this tragic loss adds to her depth of caring for those close to her.

But even strangers — when they speak of their own troubles and loss — pull at her desire to be helpful. That’s why she doesn’t say, right at the start of a question, “Sorry, that’s too private.”

She answers, she listens. She cried.

Yes, that last statement about the “only real doctor” was brutal and stupid. But she held in tears until alone with you.

Because she knows that others involved with severe illnesses aren’t always diplomatic or sensitive to others.

The only advice she needs is to protect herself when she first hears a troubling question or comment.

Admire the strength and helpfulness that she gives to those who matter most, but support her by saying that she mustn’t deplete her strength by enduring hurtful situations. She has the right to excuse herself.

Q: My ex-husband (after 25 years together) is hiding money from me. And all his properties are now listed under his girlfriend. Our younger child and I had our living arrangements changed dramatically. We’re now in two rooms in my mother’s house.

He’s in contempt of court for the second time, but the courts don’t help. And my daughter is suffering.

I got married at 18 and had our first daughter at 21. Our younger one is 13 with severe asthma.

He’s supposed to pay for her school, extra activities and medical needs. But he won’t.

I need help as I’m not educated and my past lawyer didn’t fight for my child’s or my future.

Desperate Mom

A: You need practical help dealing with courts and immediate help meeting the costs of your daughter’s medical and school needs.

Do an online search, just as you found me to write for advice. Ask for a women’s helpline and for women’s support organizations in your area that help to get financial aid for children’s health issues, and after-school-activity fees.

Look for other women’s support organizations that help women navigate the court system. Ellie’s tip of the day

The best help for a deeply grieving person is understanding and support.