Don’t head for divorce just yet, people
In the history of wedding vows, no one has ever said, “I promise to not make you hate my guts should we ever be trapped at home in lockdown during a global pandemic.”
So maybe it’s no surprise that, as society slows to a crawl, divorce law is sprinting toward a boom. Being cooped up with your soul mate, as it turns out, can be murder on your heart. I play an amateur version of Ellie with some friends and, yeah, I’m stunned by how quickly otherwise solid unions are starting to crack under the sledgehammer of quarantine.
He’s not pulling his weight! She keeps watching “Marriage Story” while glancing at me in silence!
Even his stupid face is getting on my nerves! She thinks I’m now her employee!
Beyond this anecdotal evidence, a quick Google search — people, I’m on dinner duty tonight and need to knock this one out ASAP or my wife will not be pleased — suggests there may be a cosmic reason five of the seven letters in “divorce” can be used to spell “COVID.”
One blog post, from local firm ClearWay Law, claims divorce inquiries in Ontario are spiking:
“The saying goes, ‘absence makes the heart grow stronger.’ So, what does being stuck in a small condo with your spouse for 14 days do? Well, if the number of calls my divorce lawyers receive is an indication, it’s not good for a marriage.”
I thought the proverb was, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” But, whatever. Barrister ring tones are not just turning into emergency love sirens here in Ontario. Another quick Google search — can someone please send me an easy-peasy recipe that combines ground beef, onions, Kraft Singles, frozen beets and granola bars? — yields global headlines that would drive Cupid to selfisolate.
“Why Coronavirus Is Going to Cause Aussie Divorce Rates To Soar.” “The Divorce Rate In China Is On The Rise, After Quarantine.” “As Couples Self-Isolate Due To Coronavirus, Lawyers Expect A Rise In Divorces.” “Social Distancing, Coronavirus and … Planning For Divorce???”
As I’ve said before, when a headline has an ellipsis and three question marks, that is always a dead giveaway: What follows is not good news. But let’s turn this into a math equation. Basically, your patience and happiness ( x) is now equal to ( y), your quarantine square footage, divided by ( z), the number of loved ones stuck under the same roof.
If it’s just you and your spouse in a mansion, you’re fine. You can isolate while isolating, you know? But if you’re, say, a family of five under house arrest in a three-bedroom bungalow, COVID-19 is going to lunge at your relationship in the days ahead like a seething Conor McGregor.
Your relationship will be drop-kicked, punched in the face and put in a chokehold like never before.
But here’s the thing: This is perfectly normal! Modern relationships are not designed for 24/7 contact any more than a hair dryer is engineered to run all day. Eventually, there will be a fire. Just think of the squabbles you have on weekends during normal times. That’s after five workdays in which you barely see your partner. So under quarantine, those once manageable irritants haunting your psyche turn from pebbles into boulders that won’t budge. It’s easy to feel squashed and suffocated.
One second, you’re worried sick about COVID-19. The next, you’re reheating a cup of mint tea in the microwave and staring at your housebound spouse while wondering how you ended up with such a useless, annoying, emotionally sealedoff, disgusting slob of a life partner.
This was supposed to be a Porsche. And, what, now you’re leasing a broken-down Kia?
Ignore that voice in your head. It’s just the situational stress talking.
Getting divorced during a pandemic? That makes about as much sense as doing your taxes on vacation or starting a new diet while idling in the drive-thru at McDonald’s.
By all means, take stock of your relationship after life returns to normal.
Just don’t do it when life is at peak crazy.
But if you’re still convinced this insidious coronavirus is infecting your domestic bliss, allow me to put on my Ellie gown — with honorary nods to Robert Benzie and Robert Cribb, she really is the best dressed writer at the Star — and offer some advice that works for me in times of great adversity.
First and foremost: Accentuate the positive by not validating the negative. To do this, magnify your blessings. For example, when I’m brushing my teeth in the mornings during quarantine, I stare at my sad-sack reflection in the mirror and think: “Buddy boy, you hit the jackpot in the spousal lottery. Your wife is way out of your league in every way. She is brilliant, hilarious, beautiful, loving and a dazzling mother to your twin daughters. She keeps the trains running on time when you can’t even find your ticket.”
Now, am I sharing this inner monologue because there’s a greater-than-normal chance my wife might be reading today as she has way more free time during this pandemic? Am I getting all mushy-mushy in a transparent attempt to blunt her desire to rewatch “Marriage Story” with an arched brow? Did I suddenly just realize I forgot to defrost the ground beef, as instructed last night? Am I typing this dispatch under the basement stairs as my quarantined square footage seems to be shrinking like a startled turtle?
Hey! This is not about me! It’s about helping you avoid a pandemic divorce you may regret!
Look, your wedding vows included some version of “in sickness and in health.”
Right now, around the world, this is the sickness part.
Any decision to split should be made in health.