I’m in love with a man who is about to move away
Note to readers: For years, I’ve answered your questions two weeks ahead, to be on time for their publication date. Thus, recent columns were written before the full reality of COVID-19 elicited your concerns. Some columns still include your pre-virus issues, but many will soon reflect how our relationships are affected in the new not-so-normal.
Q: After a divorce in my late twenties, I had two serious relationships. Both those men broke my heart. Six months ago, at 40, a male friend and I fell deeply in love. It’s been the most comfortable, trusting relationship I’ve known. Problem: He’s been offered his dream job in another city. It’s not about distance, but a reality issue. We’re both doing work which we love. I have loyal clients here. His promotion is everything he’s worked toward, including the location. He’s bound to meet new people, including women. And I like to socialize, which can also lead to meeting someone new. I’m thinking that we shouldn’t make promises to each other, and see how things go. Your thoughts?
Right Man, Bad Timing
A: A very mature-sounding decision. Yet you’re already distancing to protect your feelings if he dates someone else. It’s premature. You’re both still in love.
The future’s unknown, but your past made you recognize this man’s value and the joy of a loving relationship.
That should give you both the trust to take things slow-but-sure as the logical choice. First, he moves. He’ll soon discover if it’s as positive a situation as he hopes.
Next, you visit, soon. You’ll both see if long distance can work, for a useful period regarding his work/career.
With mutual visits every two months, and vacations together, a relationship can survive, even thrive, for as long as you both want it. Worth a try!
FEEDBACK: Two very different responses regarding a husband’s extreme spending (March 4):
Reader: “He’s selfish, irresponsible, insensitive and childish. His poor spending habits are drowning her and her kids in debt. “She’s better off finding a good divorce lawyer. And getting back on her feet, emotionally and financially. Perhaps her friends/family can connect her to resources in her community. She deserves a man who treats her with kindness and respect. She shouldn’t fear change. Rather, she should see leaving her husband as an opportunity to reinvent herself.” Reader #2: “1. DO NOT go to the bank manager to discuss finances when there are problems about paying debt, as the pending mortgage may not be approved.
“2. She should hire an accountant or personal financial adviser to give her suggestions/help creating a plan.
“3. She should ascertain all costs to maintain the house, all costs for their two sons and the couple’s regular expenses for food, etc.
“4. Both should share the boys’ and the house costs, as a percentage of their different earnings.
“5. She should plan on going back to school now or soon, depending on the boys’ ages.
“Otherwise, she should ensure her husband provides her with ‘income splitting’ so she receives money, social security and a government pension.
“She should check any tax advantages of salary sharing in a small business or his adding her as an employee. (Ellie: this depends on the taxation laws where they reside.)
“6. She should have a joint account to pay for the house and boys’ expenses, but also have her own bank account and credit card. After she’s created a preliminary approach and budget, it should be reviewed by both before they refinance the mortgage. Then they can decide who’ll be responsible for doing the finances, paying bills and ensuring a family savings account.
“7. If unable to agree, the financial planner should be seen with both present.
“Their final agreement should also assess the extent of protection the wife and children have if he continues his “single-style”’ lifestyle and leaves them.” Ellie’s tip of the day
It’s worth a try to give true love a chance.