Is posting a ‘divorce notice’ online OK?

Best to wait until the wound isn’t so fresh, experts suggest Alexandria Thom took time to work through her feelings before posting online about her divorce.

Since its infancy, Instagram has been a social media forum where people post highly edited images and curate their feeds “just so” in attempts to be aspirational and to showcase how #blessed they are.

This type of content isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but people have started to use this forum — and social media as a whole — to share their voice and raise awareness on more authentic personal issues, including announcing the demise of their romantic relationships.

The allure of posting about your split on social media is obvious in a two-birds-one-stone kind of way: It allows you to notify your friends, family and followers all at once, without having to tell your swan song over and over, and it also allows you to control the narrative, sharing as little or as much as you’d like in a pre-written, composed post.

The trend started in 2014 when Gwyneth Paltrow announced she was “consciously uncoupling” from her thenhusband Chris Martin, on her lifestyle website Goop.

It’s not uncommon for celebs to issue statements about their splits, but by doing so on her own terms she kicked off a trend that has resulted in nonfamouses following suit. Alexandra Thom, 44, was married to her husband for 11 years and together with him for a total of19 years. She waited six months to “come out” with her divorce announcement on social media.

Her separation came as a surprise to her, so her choice to wait was to give it time to see if they could work through this bump, and also because she felt shame over the end of what she thought was a perfect marriage. Before she shared her news she needed to work through the initial feelings to compose herself so that she didn’t say something she’d regret later.

“I knew it was time (to make an announcement) when a friend messaged me to let me know my ex was cheating on me, except he wasn’t, of course. We had separated and he was dating. So before people started a rumour mill, I went public with the information,” Thom said.

Thom, who writes a blog called idontblog, posted the announcement on her site, as well as on her Facebook. Before she shared it, she ran it by her exhusband for his approval. Her wording was very respectful, while still maintaining her own dignity.

So what was her intention with sharing this post? To clear the air, and begin the next chapter of her life and to also make it clear that there would be no hostility between her and her ex. Friends saw the post and started sharing their support and commending her for her honesty, which is exactly what she needed.

“I felt like a weight had been lifted, now that I could speak freely about the challenges of separation, divorce, co-parenting, dating, etc.” Thom said.

She says that controlling the narrative is important if you’re considering a post to announce a divorce, or breakup or even separating from a business partner or client, it’s all about maintaining composure.

“We all want to point fingers. We want to garner support. It’s so easy to let egos lead in this process, but it’s important to hold your power through grace,” Thom said. “Marriages end. In my case, I will never stop talking about the after-effects of decisions made during my marriage that will impact me forever, but I will also not disparage or slander the father of my kids publicly. It does nobody any good to badmouth.”

Julia Spira is an online dating expert. She tells the Star that if you’re drafting a divorce announcement on your own (as opposed to a shared announcement with your ex), it’s essential to take the high road and not trash your ex, tempting though that might be.

“The best way to do this to avoid idle gossip is to ignore the reasons why it didn’t work out. Perhaps there was infidelity in the relationship, or addiction use drove a wedge through your marriage. Whatever the reasons, don’t ask your followers to take sides on your split. Let them know that it was a growing and learning experience for you, but it’s time to move on,” Spira said.

Spira says that so much of our personal lives are shared on social media, that followers often feel a deep personal connection to someone, even if they’ve never met you in person.

“By sharing the announcement of your divorce, you have the opportunity to show both your vulnerable and brave sides, while curating the next chapter of your life,” Spira said. Katherine WoodwardThompson, author of the book “Conscious Uncoupling,” said “From the perspective of the conscious uncoupling work we are aware that a relationship doesn’t just belong to the two people in it, it also belongs to the community. Couples who have been together for a long time become what we call ‘pillars of the community,’ because they create stability and safety for a community of people whether that’s children, their circle of friends or even their followers.”

She says when a couple parts ways, announcing it is a way to create well-being and cohesion in your community. She says your wording and narrative in what you’re announcing should be conscious and should generate wellness for everyone and should never point fingers or lay blame.

Chances are, people will want to know why you called it quits, and some may flat out ask you. So how can you answer with integrity and honesty, while also not giving too much of the drama or issues away?

“If you start to air the dirty laundry, it’s not good for the kids or for you or your partner. If someone had an affair it needs to stay between the three people and/or their therapist. You don’t want to spread it to the community because people will instinctively want to take sides,” Woodword-Thomas said.

If you don’t have kids, your next relationship will start with how you finish this one, so you want to end well and you want to end clean. She suggests either saying that you are doing your best to move forward and though you’re appreciative of their concern, that you’re not going to be answering questions. Or, she says, blame it on the therapist. “The conscious uncoupling coach is suggesting we minimize talking to too many people about the nitty gritty details, but rest assured we’re doing inner work and growing from this,” said Woodward-Thomas. “You don’t have to be put at the stake in the middle of the town square.”

More and more people are using social media as a platform to share their most personal info, so if you are going through a breakup, consider sharing that, alongside a positive image of yourself or a quote.

“Having social media as your crutch and comfort zone during a difficult time in your life can be cathartic and healing. Chances are you’ve been in pain and have been hiding it from your followers with happy posts of sunsets and vacations, but if your relationship status changes, it’s best to be honest and authentic,” Spira said.

When you’re ready and when the emotions have worn off, social media and the plethora of likes on a post and comments could be just the answer you need to move into your next phase of healing.

Controlling the narrative is important if you’re considering a post to announce a divorce