Crisis conspiracies just not cutting it
Celebs need to step up crazy theories.
It now seems clear this global pandemic may last longer than expected and, if so, we really need our celebrities to step up their conspiracy theory game.
I’m looking at you, Roseanne Barr. Or are those the eyes of an Impossible Bat?
If you have no idea what that means, I direct you to a new YouTube series, “Quarantined With Norm Macdonald.” The Canadian comic, self-isolating in a room that appears to be decorated by a disgruntled Ikea showroom planner, has taken to ringing up famous pals to gab about whatever.
This is what now passes for “content” during this harrowing chapter in human history.
With the production values of a basement puppet show — and dressed like a skeet shooter prone to afternoon naps — Macdonald flops on his outdated russet sofa and films himself talking on speaker phone. That’s basically it. The agricultural equivalent would be if a farmer posted videos during this pandemic in which he’s dry-humping seedlings.
In other words, this is Macdonald at his laconic, gonzo, hobo-hoser best.
But let’s get back on subject: the outbreak of lame celebrity conspiracy theories.
Macdonald’s guest this week was Barr, the self-sabotaging doyenne of comedy who is no stranger to alternate reality. In fairness to her, she did begin the interview by clarifying her POV: “You know I’m crazy, so I’m speaking as a crazy woman now.”
No argument here. About four minutes into the meandering banter, Barr suddenly outlines her theory on why COVID-19 came to be.
“I think we’re being forced to evolve,” she says, while selfisolating in Hawaii and dispatching her poor assistant to Target for supplies. “You know what it is, Norm? I think they’re just trying to get rid of all my generation. The boomer ladies that, you know, inherited their, you know, are widows…”
“Oh f--k,” Macdonald interjects, slyly egging her on.
“They inherited the money, so they got to go wherever the money is, and figure out a way to get it away from people.”
I haven’t been this confused since a friend in fifth grade told me about female anatomy.
First question for Barr: who is “they” in this diabolical scheme? The UN? Illuminati? Freemasons? The Knights Templar? Bilderberg? Taco Bell?
Second question: if the treacherous goal is to unleash viral genocide on “boomer ladies” and swipe their savings while, what, also creating a global recession, why manufacture a pathogen that is more lethal to men? Isn’t that like trying to change the channel on your TV by smashing the screen with the end of a dumbbell?
Third question: why are celebrities bombing with their idiotic coronavirus conspiracies?
Barr’s not the only star pushing the laughably implausible during this pandemic.
The other day, Woody Harrelson posted about another conspiracy theory making the rounds, one that links COVID-19 with 5G networks. If I understand it — and I do not — 5G is causing this disease. It’s like when the CD was first invented and metalheads came down with the gout.
All I know is there are people around the world who do believe this deranged theory, which is why 5G masts in the U.K. this week are getting burned to the ground.
Or as singer M.I.A. recently told fans about the alleged 5G and COVID-19 nexus: “I think it can confuse or slow the body down in healing process as body is learning to cope with new signals wavelength’s frequency etc @ same time as Cov.”
This is me shrugging. But at least we know M.I.A. now stands for “Moronic Idiotic Ass.”
And then there is Cardi B, a one-woman ’rona content machine on social media, who recently suggested the rich and famous may be getting paid to lie to about having COVID-19.
Why would they do this? I have no idea. But as Idris Elba, who was diagnosed with the disease, shot back: “This idea that someone like myself is going to be paid to say I’ve got coronavirus, that’s, like, absolute bulls--t, such stupidness.”
(Or “stupidity,” if Standard English is not the next victim of this pandemic.)
Come on, celebrities! We are trapped at home indefinitely. If you’re going to embrace goofy conspiracy theories, at least gussy them up to be vaguely compelling.
Many moons ago, an anonymous person mailed me reams of info on how 9/11 was an inside job. It was fascinating. Another anonymous reader once sent me a manila envelope detailing his or her experience with an alien abduction. This also included an entire page of correspondence handwritten in what looked like hieroglyphics, a symbol language the abductee was allegedly taught by extraterrestrial captors who had plans for Toronto.
I won’t lie to you. I didn’t sleep for like a week.
But you know what? At least those readers were sharing something interesting!
Which is the opposite of these celebrity COVID-19 conspiracy theories.
A biological weapon created in a lab to wipe out rich boomer women? A deceptive zoonotic contagion that is actually a byproduct of advanced wireless? A boldface PR stunt for cash?
None of this makes a lick of sense. And, worse, it is a blow to artistic creativity.
Come on, celebrities! If you’re going to indulge in conspiracies, at least come up with something that will help us pass the time in lockdown without yawning and rolling our eyes.
You’re better than this.