‘Sir, back in your day …’ and other learned gems
“You Suck, Sir” began as entries in my teaching journal back in 1995 when I first stepped into a high school English classroom, in Vancouver. I was hoping to track my pedagogical evolution and journey. One day after assigning homework over the weekend, a student mumbled, “You suck.” I spun on my heels and said, “Excuse me?” He said, “Sorry. You suck, sir.” I returned to my desk and jotted down the exchange in my journal.
When teachers lament the sterility of online classrooms, it’s these types of interactions they’re talking about. The verbal jousting, the subtle back-andforths that happen between adults and their dozens of teenagers crammed into a room they don’t want to be in — that is the spice of public school teaching.
I don’t teach anymore, but those secretive glances between kids, the surreptitious passing of notes and texts, the errant body noises — I miss all that. I’m sure most teachers do, too, though they’ll never admit the latter. This book is for them and their students.
She’s Number One I catch one of my Grade 9 students giving another student the middle finger. I quietly summon her to my desk. Me: “What was that?” Her: “What?” Me: “Why did you give her the finger?” Her: “It’s nothing.” Me: “Seems like something. She didn’t look like she appreciated it.” Her: “Trust me, she had it coming.” Me: “I can’t imagine any context where flashing her your middle finger will resolve the situation.” Her: “You ever been a teenage girl?” Me: “No.” Her: “That’s why you can’t imagine it.”
Halloween Grade 10 student: “Sir, what are you dressing as for Halloween?” Me: “I’m thinking Bruce Lee.” Him: “So you’re not dressing up?” He starts laughing. I whip my head around and stare at him. My jaws tighten and I look at him intently, with my head slightly tilted downward, never breaking eye contact. He has stopped laughing. Him: “I … I’m sorry, sir. I was only joking.” I break into a smile. Me: “That was my Bruce Lee. Pretty good, eh?”
Him: “Please don’t ever do that again, sir.”
Not Quite Me: “All right, people, please put away your books. We have a guest speaker.” Girl: “What’s he talking about?” Me: “You’ll see.” Her:“Is he going to talk about cheese?” Me: “Why? Why would he talk about cheese?” Her: “I don’t know. Just had a feeling.” Me: “Today, your feelings are way off.” 1984 The Grade 12 English class has just started reading George Orwell’s “1984.”
Student: “Sir, have you seen the movie version of this?” Me: “Yeah. It’s not bad.” Him: “Yeah, that actor is a pretty good Winston. It’s like how I imagined Winston to be.” Me: “Yeah, he’s a fine actor.” Him: “And I like how the director kept all the main points of the book.”
Me: “How do you know? We just started reading the book.”
Him: “Oh, I just assumed, you know, that, like …”
Me: “Are you trying to find out if the movie wholly captures the novel so that you don’t have to read it?” Him: “No way, man! That’s so … 1984.” Me: “What does that even mean?” Him: “OK. I’ll read it.”
North and South Grade 11 student: “Sir, are you Chinese?” Me: “I’m Korean.” Him: “North or South Korean?”
Me: “Yes, I’m North Korean. I escaped from a prison camp in my teens, made my way over to Seoul, where I worked on losing my accent before moving to North America.”
Him: “Wow. You should write a book about that.”
Don’t Ask Grade 11 student: “Sir, back in your day, who paid for a first date?” Me: “Usually the guy did.” Him:“But what if you’re not really into her?”
Me: “Um, then don’t ask her out on a date in the first place.”
Him: “Ah, old-school.”
The Rule Grade 9 student (giggling): “Sir, why aren’t Asians good at hockey?” Me: “That’s an old joke and it’s racist.” Him: “No, not if you’re Asian.” Me: “But you’re not Asian.” Him: “I know, but you are.” Me: “I don’t think you get how it works.”
Whiskey It is the last class for a group of graduating Grade 12s. They call me to the front of the room and present me with a gift. It is a nice bottle of Connemara Irish whiskey. Me: “Who bought this?” They all point to one of my students. He is six foot three and has a full beard. Me: “Of course. Didn’t they ID you?” Him: “They haven’t ID’ed me since
Grade 10.” Me: “Too much information.” The students laugh. Me: “This is very thoughtful. How did you know I like whiskey?”
Him: “We guessed. You seem like a whiskey guy.” Me:“What made you guys think that?” Him: “Every Friday, you have that look on your face like you really need a drink.” Everyone laughs. Me too.
Emoticons While handing back essays to my English 10 class … Student: “Sir, what’s this?” I walk over and see her pointing at something I’ve circled.
Me: “That’s a smiley face. You don’t need to put a smiley face in your essay.”
Her: “I wanted you to know I was joking.”
Me: “If you write effectively, I’ll know you’re joking. You don’t need to signal it with an emoticon.”
Her: “When you text your friends, how do they know you’re joking?” Me: “I deliver the joke properly.” Her: “That doesn’t always work.” Me: “Then they don’t get it, or it was a bad joke.”
Her: “It’s just joking, sir. You make it so difficult!”
Excerpted from “You Suck, Sir” by Paul Bae. Copyright © 2020 Paul Bae. Permission granted by Arsenal Pulp Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without written permission from the publisher.