Now’s the time to consider distance dating
But beware, the options may quickly overwhelm, relationship expert says
If you’re a hopeless romantic and truly think your soulmate is out there somewhere, lockdown is a great time to try to find them, one swipe at a time. Dating apps offer features that — for an additional fee — allow you to adjust your geographic perimeters so you can date anywhere in the world.
Before Times, the goal of online dating for many, was to connect with a match, meet up in real life (IRL) as soon as possible to see if there’s chemistry and, if so, to continue the courting process. Since we’re in lockdown, however, the dating landscape has changed. Dating deal breakers like distance are no longer an issue, since we’re not seeing anyone IRL anytime soon. But just because we can date around the country, globe or even match with someone a couple hours away, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily to make these connections.
Jessica Griffin, a psychologist and CEO of Lovebuilder, Inc., is best known for her stint as a relationship expert on “Married at First Sight.” She tells the Star that there’s no better time to go outside of your dating comfort zone. “If you are considering dating someone outside your geographical area, keep an open mind and ask yourself, ‘Would I relocate for love?’ If the answer to that is no, then you may want to think twice,” Griffin said.
“If you are open to relocating, consider areas that you are familiar with. If you are wedded to your job, you could also see whether or not your company has opportunities in other cities,” Griffin said.
She suggests avoiding looking at distance dating as a “free-for-all,” as you will quickly become overwhelmed with options. “When there are too many options, it’s easier to discount someone who could potentially be a great match. So, find a handful of people in one or two cities outside of your typical geographic region and spend more time getting to know those people,” Griffin said.
Once you have made a potential connection, she suggests being clear about your intentions — and ask them candidly about theirs. “If they tell you they are unwilling to move (even though they have also gone outside their geographical area in the app), that gives you some data to work with! This may be indicative of someone who may be overly self-focused, expecting others to jump when they want them to,” Griffin said.
From a psychological standpoint, there are pros and cons of dating outside your comfort zone and “meeting” people you may not have ordinarily considered. “The gift that this lockdown has given all of us is that it has essentially forced us to slow down in our dating lives, paving the way for increased emotional intimacy. We have more time to talk to one another and be more available to them; the more you can talk with someone, the greater the chances are at an actual connection,” Griffin said.
She says that by increasing emotional intimacy, we’re more likely to develop relationships that are sustainable and longlasting. “Although many can fall in love quickly, romantic attachment takes time,” said Griffin. “Healthy, secure attachment is built through consistency, predictability, trust and compassionate emotional support.” She says those with secure attachment tend to be happier, healthier and more satisfied in their lives.
There will likely be logistical barriers, such as how you might do a face-to-face meeting and, of course, you don’t know what your actual physical and sexual chemistry might be until you are able to meet. Time zones may be another potential barrier; unless you’re willing to move across the country, you may want to stick with your own time zone.
Having to date “remotely” takes two of what Griffin calls “top relationship busters” out of play, at least temporarily: sex and money. She says that although there’s likely to be flirtation over video chatting, physical and sexual intimacy take a back seat to an emotional connection. “It can be expensive to date, from dining out to weekends away together, so at least for now, the financial pressures of dating are temporarily on hold,” Griffin said. “Video-dating adds a visual aspect — we can see into each other’s homes before ever going on a date in person. This can be a great source of data in helping you decide if this person is a potential mate.”
She suggests proceeding with caution as there are also people who may use this platform as a way to prey on others who are lonely and who act inappropriately. “Should this happen, you can end the chat immediately, block and report them — the virtual equivalent of the old fashioned throwing a drink in their face and leaving the restaurant move,” Griffin said.
Ben Leonard, is the co-founder of paird, a dating app — known for its anti-ghosting feature — that was developed in Toronto. He tells the Star that just because we’re remaining socially distant, doesn’t mean love has to be limited by distance. “The isolation humans are facing has presented the opportunity to experiment with an online dating experience without distance limitations. It’s the perfect time to see if the person you are meant to be with is out there, previously excluded by a simple ‘toggle’ setting,” Leonard said.
Paird has also launched free, unlimited video calling, so matches can connect for a glass of wine, a Scrabble showdown, prepare dinner together or just to say hello for the first time — all without having to hand out private information.
Other more well-known apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge already have this feature, as well as others that allow users to explore potential matches by temporarily changing your location through things like Tinder Passport and Bumble Travel ( both paid features), or through Bumble Distance, where you can currently swipe for partners for free, nationally. All apps have reported a drastic increase in in-app video calls and show users swiping in different cities, so now’s your chance to woo someone in Nashville or Calgary, while not having to leave your home in Toronto.