‘I will always be up for this battle …’
What I feel is not a new feeling. What I’m feeling is composed of many feelings. What I feel I’m not alone in feeling this way. What I feel doesn’t need to be said. We know.
I feel this way when I see my friends driving and I send up a quick prayer they return home safely. I have felt this way when my friends tell me they’re having a son and I cry for hours thinking about the conversations that will be had with him about police brutality.
I felt this way one time when I was biking and a driver almost hit me then yelled the N-word at me. I have felt this way when my mom used to teach me about Jamaican history.
I felt this way in Grade11and my teacher based whole lessons on Obama’s inauguration. I felt this way when there are issues with me and other Black women.
I have felt this way when family relationships are strained because I’m queer. I feel this way when I see those with more privilege or access to resources choose not to use it to help those who don’t.
I feel this way when I think of beauty. I feel this way when I think about having my own children.
I have felt this feeling because I am a Black woman. That’s all. No other reason but I would never change who I am or the skin I was born into. The powerful history that helped build the person I am today. What I want: to enjoy living comfortably and freely, without worry of death by the hands of racism.
It’s been hard to put into words, to say anything on social media, because it’s been overwhelming. I’m seeing content on the climate for an issue that is constantly reminding me of a whole system that was designed to make sure I finish last.
As much as I am thrilled conversations are being had, it’s like I’m reliving trauma over and over. I’m constantly thinking to myself I need to do more and pressure to take action but I can barely go a couple hours before crying.
What’s weighing on me is moving forward. The conversation cannot fizzle out. Actions cannot stop. Thinking about next steps is so important. Maintaining the momentum. How are we as a community going to keep making changes to ensure a safer future? We are playing in their system. I question, how do we build our own? How do we build wealth? How do we make sure that all Black people are protected by our own networks? Do we keep our buying power only within Black communities? How do we make sure that change continues to happen? I just want to learn more about what we intend on doing as we move forward. This battle won’t end once the posts on social media die down.
I just keep thinking if this war will have to take more innocent lives to be stopped. I’m exhausted. But I will always be up for this battle.