Race, relationships and blind spots
For interracial couples, and their families, support and advocacy are essential
In recent months, people all over the world have taken to social media and to the streets to reject police brutality and injustice toward Black people.
Protests have erupted in the United States, driven by recent deaths of Black people, including the death of George Floyd, the killing of Ahmaud Arbery and the fatal shooting of Breonna Taylor. While tough conversations — with the intent to inform and provoke change — might be new among friends and colleagues, they are not foreign to interracial romantic relationships, where support and advocacy aren’t just bonuses. They are imperative.
“It’s important to have someone who is enthusiastically listening to and supporting you, and that you’re not always having to be in an educational kind of mode,” says Bill Schaefer, a 29-year-old writer and actor in New York. He and his wife, Jenny Rubé, 28, who is white, have been married for a year and half. They actively discuss racism and both the systemic and blatant effects it has had on Schaefer, who is Black. But the frequency of their talks and Rubé’s advocacy were not always as prevalent as they are now.
“There was one specific incident when we were in Vancouver and someone made a comment to me and I was just so totally caught off guard,” Schaefer said. “And she didn’t say anything — not because she was agreeing with him, but because she was also very shocked.”
The incident caused some strain on their relationship and simultaneously made Rubé feel bad, resulting in a well-received discussion and immediate change.
“I had never directly experienced an act of racism and did not know what the appropriate response was,” said Rubé. “I let him down by not speaking up and supporting him when it was important. My lack of action spoke for itself and at the cost of my partner’s hurt.”
And with the national attention these instances are receiving, more talks are being had and increased action is taking place.
“I think for her, the light bulb that has changed is not being racist is not the same as being anti-racist, and now she’s really taking that to heart,” said Schaefer. “She’s really committed to calling out the stuff that she sees and rekindling blind spots in herself. Whereas, before she might’ve kind of stayed in her own lane.”
A lucid understanding of the trials and tribulations that Black people face in America is one that is not easy to grasp, but close-knit relationships have proved to create understanding and heightened awareness for non-Black partners.
In a 2007 study led by George Yancey of the University of North Texas, 21 white partners in interracial relationships were interviewed, and the research showed that white people who marry outside their race are likely to change their thoughts on how race plays a role in society. Additionally, white people who specifically marry Black partners are even more likely to think beyond theoretical ideas as a result of exposure to racism from being with their partner.
Zach Finley, 43, who is white, has always socialized in predominantly Black spaces through his work as a DJ in Greenville, S.C., a city with a large Black population. “Very early on, I became comfortable being the minority and realized that those folks weren’t out to get me, like I was taught,” said Finley, who grew up in Greenville in a strongly Republican household with a heavy involvement in the church.
“They weren’t people that didn’t look like me who were ready to rob me and steal from me, and whatever else they could if they had the advantage. It was actually the opposite.”
While individually, Finley never had to actively think about race, it wasn’t until he and his wife, Andrea Finley, 32, who is Black, had children that racism became a more overt issue that indirectly affected him as a father.
“I think the turning point for us to really start having conversations was when our first son was born, because when you have kids your whole world changes,” said Andrea Finley. “So we realized that he won’t be able to move through the world as a white man.”
The couple had “the talk” with their son when he was five years old, when they explained to him that he can’t always do everything he sees his white friends do — a conversation that Zach Finley did not have to hold with his older white son from a previous relationship.
Additionally, since marrying Andrea Finley and being more vocal about issues surrounding race, Zach Finley has noticed a lack of support from some of his family and friends, especially in recent weeks.
“I think that’s the hardest part about our relationship,” Andrea Finley said. “It’s not us. We can talk, we can show frustration. We have a safe place, but I think what’s been most difficult for us in the past few weeks has been, in the age of Facebook and social media, you get to see whatever people are thinking. And some of those people are family members that we’ve had family gatherings for, and they’re either quiet as a mouse or they’re liking and commenting on racist posts.”
Unfortunately, issues with extended family and friends aren’t rare in relationships between Black and white partners, often causing the Black partner to hold the white partner accountable and the white partner to figuratively pick a side.
Racine Henry is a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York. “The most common issues I see for interracial couples, specifically Black and white couples, is as the relationship progresses and becomes more significant, helping the people around the couple, meaning their family, accept — and I hate the word accept because it implies there’s something to accept — and get on board with the couple not just dating and being in a preliminary phase but wanting to move in together or get married or have children,” she said.
Henry’s clientele ranges between couples of different backgrounds, both intraracial and interracial, but it’s her Black-white couples that often experience strain from navigating how to support each other.
“I always encourage the couples to have these hard conversations about race away from therapy, when they’re at home, because the point of therapy isn’t what you do in the office, it’s what you do all the time in between in your real life,” Henry said.
“Having these talks will make them aware of what comes up for each of them individually. You know, if the white partner feels like they’re always trying to defend themselves, what does that say about their partner to them?
“What does it mean to them to accept the fact that they may have been offensive and ignorant, and they’ll never truly understand being in Black skin and what that might mean for when they have children, or go out to buy a home or go out in the world together.”
Henry said it is equally important for the Black partner to think about their own possible internalized racism and maybe some of the ways in which being with someone who is not Black is a source of shame or guilt for them.
And more than ever, when the 24-hour news cycle is bringing light to the unfair and unjust hardships Black people face, race is likely to drive every aspect of an interracial relationship.
“Having these talks really has implications around where they stand in their respective communities, and whether the white partner is as liberal and progressive as they think, and if the Black partner is as vocal and active about Black justice as they think,” Henry said.
“It’s important to have someone who is enthusiastically listening to and supporting you.” BILL SCHAEFER WRITER AND ACTOR