How to stand your distanced ground
Be clear about personal boundaries, experts say, but have sanitizer in case
You’re finally leaving your home to reconnect with the outside world. Normally, you’d greet them without much thought; a handshake, a hug, a kiss. But not so fast.
Going in for the kill brings on a whole new meaning when greeting someone as we are still in the middle of a global pandemic.
“I think people do appreciate it is contagious, but I’m not sure they appreciate the potential problems they could have if they catch it, especially younger people who have generally been told that they will be fine (which is not actually the case),” says Simon Bacon, who works in behavioural medicine at Concordia University and is the co-lead of the iCARE study — an ongoing international study looking at people’s knowledge, attitudes and behaviours as they relate to COVID-19.
He says that people are probably feeling ambivalence around COVID-19, based on the mixed messaging they keep getting from day to day, province to province. “On the one hand, the government was saying that we needed to shut things down; now they are saying it is bad, but it’s OK to go out to bars that have reopened, but be responsible when doing it,” Bacon said.
“There is some evidence that when there’s inconsistent messaging that people will levitate to the message they want to hear, rather than the logical message,” Bacon added.
So how can you be proactive to prevent the greeting from being awkward or from being caught off guard because you’re more worried about being polite?
Bacon says doing things like wearing a mask sends a clear message that you’re taking this seriously and people can expect that you would likely also want to respect physical distancing measures. “It is never easy to stand up to the crowd, but if you do stick to your guns most people will respect you,” Bacon said. Clear communication and boundary-setting is key to ensure all parties are comfortable. “Make clear and direct statements that communicate your needs,” said psychotherapist
Jake Ernst, clinical director of Straight Up Health in Toronto.
“Often we think boundarysetting is about what you need other people to do. In this case, it’s helpful to set boundaries by stating or communicating your needs.” He says you want to tell someone what you’re going to do rather than telling someone what you don’t want them to do. “You want to tell someone what you want to happen rather than expecting them to predict what you want to happen.”
He suggests using “I” statements and language that speaks to the current moment, for example: “I’m not hugging anyone because I’d rather not get too close right now,” and using “and” rather than “but.” For example: “I really want to hug you and it’s best that I don’t.” “I’m having trouble figuring out this new social language and that’s OK.” He says you should also provide a reason, like “I’d rather not shake your hand because I don’t have any hand sanitizer with me.” Ernst recommends using facts and science to help. For example, “Did you know there were (insert number here) new cases today? It would make me feel better if we kept our distance.” “My mother is immunocompromised, which means I need to be extra careful about the distance I keep.”
Finally he recommends using humour: “I’m having a hard time learning this new social language. I’ve decided I’m just not going to hug anyone until I can figure it out.”
Sometimes it just takes one person to speak up to set new expectations for the group’s behaviour.
“It is in our biology to go along with the crowd. A lot of this comes from our desire to belong and fit in. We are a social species that survives by being close to other people,” Ernst said. That’s why it’s more comfortable for us to rely on the social skills and behaviours that we have experience with, because learning a new social skill takes time and will feel uncomfortable at first. Be patient.
One more thing that you can do to protect yourself is to carry hand sanitizer with you. “If you do get caught in a handshake, you can sanitize straight away and reduce your risk of having the virus spread to you,” Bacon said.
And if you’re on the receiving end of one of these awkward talks, don’t take it personally. “A lot of us are starved for social and emotional connection right now and not everyone has the same access to relationships and connection,” Ernst said.
Instead of thinking about yourself, explore the other person’s feelings and why they may not feel comfortable getting too close. “It could be impacting their own mental health in a way we cannot see or they might be making the decision based on family circumstance,” Ernst said. You can ask them if they mind sharing with you why they feel this way.
Despite your best efforts to stick to your guns and intention to keep your hands to yourself, you might — in the moment or after a few drinks — change your mind and let your emotions take over your rational mind.
“We know that self-control decreases and we become less inhibited. This then decreases our capacity to fight the ‘need’ for physical contact and the ‘logic’ starts to go out the window,” Bacon said.
“Not drinking too much, being very clear about expectations, drinking in places where there are less people, creating physical barriers between people and making up games (like a bet) where there is a ‘punishment’ for breaking physical distancing rules, can all be potential options to maintain the good work,” Bacon said.
Ernst adds that we might default to our old communication patterns or a more familiar way of communicating and says it’s easy to forget. “The important part is that we keep practising and keep reminding ourselves why the rules are in place.”
“We are a social species that survives by being close to other people.” JAKE ERNST CLINICAL DIRECTOR OF STRAIGHT UP HEALTH