Spouse is in better shape than me. I hate it

You won’t find the fix in the gym, says the Kit’s editor-at-large

My husband is in better shape than me and it really bothers me. It’s making me tense and I feel petty for caring but also, I know I should probably j ust start working out again. What’s the best starting point? — Hannah, Toronto

Even the best relationships are as layered as a mille crepe cake — especially the relationship we have with ourselves.

Have you ever had a slice of mille crepe cake? The name, which translates to “a thousand crepes,” perfectly describes it: layer upon layer of simple pancakes held together with sweet whipping cream but generally without icing or decoration. Unlike other fancy cakes that look like, say, a fondant-covered swan before you cut into them to reveal the showy fillings, the layers in a mille crepe cake are laid bare. A mille crepe has no pretence. It’s a deliciously honest cake — but it’s still a pain in the butt to make.

All this to say, it doesn’t serve you to cover up the shame that will eventually come spewing out like the molten ganache in a ’90s-era lava cake, anyway. Strip the fondant covering off of your relationship and ask yourself some introspective questions. To help guide you, I called the very thoughtful and thoughtprovoking couples therapist and noted sex educator and author Kaleigh Trace.

“What’s defined as a ‘better-shaped’ body, anyway?” says Trace, eschewing any sugar coating. “I don’t mean to sound radical, but that idea is a tool of control. The more time and energy we invest in feeling ashamed of ourselves, the less time and energy is left over for resisting a world that isn’t built for us. We really need to actively consider what ideas of womanhood we are consuming.”

The first step is to build a better relationship with yourself. You don’t need to start your day by burning down the patriarchy (although, please do if you’re up for it!); rather, you can start by, say, curating your Instagram account so that you’re not being inundated all day by images of bodies that make you feel like crap. “It’s simple, but it’s helped to change the way that I feel about my body,” she says.

Then you can take a few moments to consider your body, to touch your body, with kindness rather than criticism. Paint your toenails, Trace says, or do some yoga or meditate. “Take a moment to notice that you have an important body that actually carries you around the world and keeps breathing, rather than just criticizing that you ate too many carbs or that you don’t look good in a certain style of clothing.”

Respecting your body, regardless of what it looks like, doesn’t mean you can’t decide to train for a triathlon or start bodybuilding. If you want a new hobby, that’s cool. “But when we are motivated from a place of shame and self-criticism, then it’ll be a hard road,” Trace says. “Working out can be hard, but it’s especially hard if you’re just yelling at yourself all the time.”

So instead of asking yourself how your figure should look, why don’t you try asking yourself what actually feels good for your body? It’s a disorienting question for many women, says Trace, who, as a disabled person, spent years trying to effectively disappear so her body wouldn’t be judged by others. “Shame is a really powerful emotion, but it’s not a very productive one,” Trace says. “And undoing shame is a really big job, but the first step is just noticing it.”

Then, once you’ve started to consider the way you’re talking to yourself, it’s time to start thinking about the way you’re communicating with your husband. “I wonder: Does your body bother you because you assume it bothers him?” Trace asks. “I’m not throwing shade on anyone; we all have ideas about what kind of body shapes are valuable because we’re fed that idea by the world, but the fact that you’re asking this question makes me wonder what’s happening — or rather what’s not happening — to make your body feel affirmed and sexy.” Spoiler: Open discourse is what’s likely not happening.

“Couples are often pretty aware of what is missing in their communication, and yet it continues to go missing anyway because the things we’re not talking about are the hardest parts of ourselves,” Trace says. “So the insecurity that may be a big part of your life is an understandably hard and tender thing to communicate with the person who you want to desire you. But being in a relationship means figuring out how to bridge that gap and say what’s unsaid and be vulnerable — and that’s really hard work, regardless of how healthy the relationship is.”

Especially now, after you’ve been isolating together for what seems like 5,000 years, it can be easy to forget that, while you may have committed to taking on life together, you are actually still two separate people: You might have different priorities sometimes, or private thoughts that the other never considered.

And while it’s appealing to think that it might be possible to sidestep awkward or difficult conversations like telling your partner that you need to hear he thinks you have a hot bod, or telling him that you’ve been feeling insecure lately, you can’t actually avoid the conflict.

“What goes unsaid in relationships shows up in a different way,” Trace says. “Like arguing about the dishes or in getting in a big fight about directions. Those really tense disconnected moments are usually about something small, but the root culprit is deep onset insecurities, like: I’m worried you’re going to leave me, or that my body has changed and you don’t love me anymore.” It’s hard to think these things, let alone admit them aloud, but it’s better than senselessly fighting all the time about the fastest route to your favourite restaurant.

“The more efficiently and bravely we can speak to the unsaid, the better we can take care of each other,” Trace says. “It takes practice and, at first, you or your partner might say the wrong thing or not know how to respond, but it will benefit any relationship in the long run because you’re finding a way to really see each other.”