Pandemic acts to magnify couple’s cultural differences
Dear Readers:
In Monday’s column, I left unchanged a letter writer’s description of her distanced brother as “the black sheep” of the family. A headline writer then used the same phrase.
I greatly regret this linking of undesirable behaviour with colour, especially as so many people today — usually including me — are recognizing and trying to change these hurtful and oppressive sayings and attitudes.
Ellie
Q: My husband and I dated for four years. We were both born here but had grown up in different cultures. We married last October and thought our life together was charmed, having found a nice, well-located (though small and expensive) apartment.
Huge changes have since affected our relationship due to the pandemic.
I work in the health field and heard about a mystery virus worrying scientists back in November. My husband, a technology worker, was sure I was overreacting. We even argued about it.
Then, when the reality of the coronavirus’s dangerous spread became apparent, my parents’ initial disapproval of my choosing someone from a very different background resurfaced harshly. They saw him as “the outsider” who wasn’t taking COVID-19 seriously when they were scared. Once the lockdown started, my husband was fully on board with the rules, but my parents still don’t act comfortably or fully trusting around him.
I’ve been forced to fight their prejudices along with the virus. Meanwhile, I’m more exposed to potential infection due to my work, while my husband’s working at home all day, so it’s like we’re from two different planets crowded into this small space. Any suggestions on how we can put cultural differences aside and best handle our stressed relationship?
Differences in Difficult Times
A: Hold onto the strong feelings of love and trust that convinced you during dating and early marriage, to share your life with someone whom you already knew your parents would be quick to judge.
That’s often the nature of cross-cultural commitments: A couple bravely accepts the challenges and outsiders make upsetting comments based on their long-held biases. Ignore them — even your parents, when they raise unfounded criticisms of your husband.
Remember, this is a time of discomfort, frustration, anxiety and stress for everyone due to the uncertainties presented by COVID-19. Lots of couples feel the strain, concern for the health of loved ones and yourselves, for whether jobs will last, how to afford mortgages/rents, etc.
Focus on what matters most. Since you’ve written me about your relationship, start there, strengthening your bond with your husband by supporting him in the face of baseless and racist or other discriminatory comments.
Readers’ commentary: Regarding weight discrimination being prevalent today: “When dealing with children’s weight gain, reassure the children that they’re beautiful and loved just as they are.
Certainly, show them a way forward with encouragement for exercise and a healthy diet. But never say that what they eat makes them good or bad.
I was a plump young girl, very active, when at 12, my mother took me to buy a coat. The sales lady said aloud, “That style is for a slimmer build.”
We had to look at a different rack, which meant the “fat” clothes.
I learned “something” was wrong with me despite that I was healthy. This is an enormous problem which can and does frequently jettison major events in life.
Today, I’m a smart woman who definitely needs to keep active and eat a healthy, well-balanced diet. But I wasted so much of my life worrying about my weight.” Ellie’s tip of the day Prejudice, and distrust from family members can destroy a cross-cultural relationship, if you let it.